College
by J. Camm on January 2, 2014

Expectation: You think to yourself, “I am going to be so productive this weekend. I am going to start those papers and study a little for every class to stay ahead of the game! I am going to check out that (Insert sorority party here) first though, nothing crazy.”

Reality: You wake up in your bathroom at 3 PM covered in chocolate syrup. You are so violently hung-over you can’t move until you decide to hit the bars that night.

Friday, The Week Before Finals:

Expectation: As you lay in bed that morning you think “Wow last week really got away from me fast, I need to buckle down. I am moving into the library for the next week.”

Reality: You spend 45 minutes looking for the perfect study spot until you finally realize that your room at home is the best place to work. After a solid 3 hours of studying (Facebook stalking) you decide you’ve earned a beer, which turns to 15 and a night on the town.

Three Days Before Finals:

Expectation: I need to buy a ton of Addies and Redbull so I can work for 72 hours straight to have a shot at passing. You begin to fantasize about  going home for break.

Reality: You buy a ton of Addies and Redbull and do not sleep for three days. You somehow manage decent grades.

First Week Home:

Expectations: I am so happy to be home. I am going to make some money, hit the gym and go out with my friends all the time!

Reality: Your work schedule sucks and your friends can’t seem to spontaneously meet like they did at school, this makes going out a lot more challenging. The gym is overcrowded with NYE Resolution people. They still have 3 weeks until they quit and resolve to start next New Years.

Second week home: 

Expectations: This week is going to be great. All the guys said they can meet up Friday night at that new club in the City. We are all going to pregame at my house and show up fucked up I can’t wait.

Reality: 7 of the 12 people invited couldn’t make it. Your pledge brother gets so fucked up at your house that he throws up in a plant and passes out in your parent’s bathroom. You leave him for your parents to find and deal with and make it to the bar. Unfortunately Manhattan bars don’t need underage drinkers to stay profitable. The three guys sharing a Chinese woman’s ID can’t get in so you all go home.

Third week home:

Expectations: Wow mom was pissed that Han was passed out in her bathroom. That kid always throws up and passes out everywhere. There is nothing to do, maybe I will just go to the gym and play basketball.

Reality: You get to the gym and wait 90 minutes to roll your ankle in the first 30 seconds of the game. Week three consists of sitting in bed watching Comedy Central. The problem is that Key & Peele is on all day (and they fucking suck) and you can’t reach the remote. You officially decide finals week was less torturous than this.

Fourth week home:

Expectations: This family vacation to (Insert generic upper middle class vacation destination in the tropics) should be a good week. I will be able to drink and at least there will be new girls to hit on.

Reality: Your family gives you a 3 drink max because everything is on their card. While drinking your bullshit tropical drink on the beach you fall asleep and wake up with sun poisoning. When you are finally able to hit the clubs you look like a Jersey Shore cast member and are rejected instantaneously. Only one more week until Spring semester!

Final Week Home:

Expectations/Reality: You will sit and think about how easy it is to be constantly entertained at school. You can do whatever you want, with whomever you want and there is nothing to stop you. Especially campus PD, fuck those guys. Nothing you do at home, even the awesome stuff will be as great as it is during school. Where else can you assemble 20 friends to drink at 8 on a Tuesday morning? The only beneficial thing to these long winter breaks is that you can see how great the rest of the year is in comparison. Even the shitty times like finals week.

- J.B., Binghamton University

J. Camm

About J. Camm...

J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.

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