College
by Bread Foster on April 21, 2014

Big-Bud-Weed-Nugget

A wonderful little dried flower can help you make friends, listen to better music and get laid. That notion is completely absurd, but, so is the fact some people can shot gun a beer in 5 seconds. Having a joint or two at a party is always a good idea; nothing gets girls away from the competition faster than saying “Hey do you want to go smoke?” It also gets you the invitation to the stoner room at any party. Pot has so many benefits to college when applied appropriately, it helps you experiment and possibly think differently. Added, no one with the IQ above a Kardashian likes cocaine anymore. Try sniffing around where ever you are, once you find the smell of dead skunk and music you’ve never heard before, that’s where life changes. Offering up one of your joints to smokers leads to a spot on a comfy couch, music that makes you ask “Who is this?” and girls who have questionable morals. Every party has a smoker’s room, its best to visit when the party is starting to die down, because stoners will stay up playing video games all night while you explore the meaning of life. Sure, they might be liberal arts major losers, but you forgave that hot girl who used her teeth that one time so you can forgive them.

Once you’ve shared weed with someone in school, they’re friends with you for the rest of school. Late night visitation to the post party smoking room provides ideas that expand your mind and obliterate any chance you had at glaucoma. Drunk and stoned people are willing to share the stupidest of thoughts that you’ll over think to the point they sound like Aristotle. Did Mike just say that unpaid internships are the equivalent to today’s version of sharecropping? Damn, that reminds me I need a job, I’ll apply after one more round of Assasin’s Creed online. There is no better way to pass your elective classes than a stoned conversation about women’s literature with a girl who hasn’t washed her hoodie since she was a freshman. Carl Sagan and Neil Degrasse Tyson smoked weed, they explored space and are a #1 google keyword search. Sure, weed isn’t going to make you able to do math, but if you get high enough, you can think in numbers.

It’s a simple fact; weed makes everyone cum faster than a dog who just heard the word “walk”. In the stoners room you’ll find people willing to explore holes like an underwater cave diver. As a college student you have no idea what you’re doing and no shame to begin with, adding a blast of THC to that equation means going to Target to get new sheets. Today’s stoners aren’t the lazy hippies of the 60’s, often times they’re the students who have a “work hard, play hard” mentality. Playing hard means getting harder and bowl is a great way to relax and stick a finger somewhere neither one of you thought was possible. Getting stoned and exploring the universe is great, and with the amount of hormones a college student has, the universe revolves around everyone’s genitals.

If you’re not constantly on the search for new music, you should have to donate your ears to the homeless. It’s not that homeless people are deaf; they just need something to gnaw on if you’re not going to use them. Previously, music separated people, now that you’re in college, it brings everyone together. Stoners have their pulse on great music, as long as you avoid The Grateful Dead and Phish. Hanging out in the smokers room means taking turns with your iPods and seeing what everyone has to offer. In one night you can learn underground rap from everyone’s home towns or ska music you didn’t know people still made. After college you’ll still be listening to the albums you had back then and saying “Do you remember when we sat in the smoking room and listened to this stuff”. Your lack of memories now becomes your memories for a life time later.

Bread Foster is a NYC comedian who is not actually named Bread. It’s a nickname so please stop asking. Follow him on twitter @BreadFoster

Bread Foster

About Bread Foster...

Bread Foster got a degree but rolled a joint with it instead of using it. He's a NYC comedian but a multinational drunk. He enjoys sharing his insanity with the Internet even though it constantly gets him in trouble.