College
by Brian Killen on March 25, 2013

1. He is quiet and awkward. You barely talk to each other and after almost two semesters rooming with him, you still don’t know anything else but his name and where he’s from.

2. He is a total cocky dickbag. You try to avoid conversations with him because all he talks about is the (made up) number of girls he’s banged and telling you how many likes his shirtless Instagram picture just received.

3. Like you, he is a Bro. You go out together, get drunk and he is your go-to wingman. You are both happy that you weren’t forced to room with any of the first two types of people.

Excluding number three, it is easy to see why a lot of guys are going to regret leaving Spring Break to come home to both reality and their awkward or cocky roommate. That being said, there are three main factors to think about when asking yourself – What sucks more: An awkward roommate or a cocky roommate?

The Party Factor
Partying is by far the most important college major and probably the true reason why you’re attending your school in the first place. Since spring semester, especially after Spring Break, is a lot more exhilarating than fall semester, (due to outdoor activities and the consistency of making bad decisions that seemed awesome at the time) you will also find yourself partying a lot more.

The awkward roommate will be hard to drag to a party considering he would rather stay in and catch up on his studies, play dungeons and dragons or beat it to some “Big Sausage Pizza” porno. BUT, if you do convince him to partake in the party, you might see him get wasted and actually come out of his awkward and probably smelly shell (exactly like the kid from the movie Road Trip). Since he doesn’t know anything about drinking, hitting on girls and how much cooler it is not to puke on them, you might need to be a little patient with showing him “the ropes” of the everyday college party atmosphere. You are his sensei, his Mr. Miyagi, and now it’s time to karate chop the shit out of this town.

The cocky roommate doesn’t go to parties because (in his mind) he is the party. Once he’s there, shit has officially kicked off. He thinks his game is amazing, he thinks he sank all 10 cups in beer pong and he also thinks he is superior to you and will probably call you names like “fuck buddy” or “beer bitch.” BUT, this is not always a bad thing considering you are not the only one who thinks he’s an asshole hence why his assholeness can actually work to your advantage: You can use his obnoxious retardation (no pun intended) as a way to score more chicks and meet other Bros who also hate your roommate. So in a way you don’t want him to stop being himself, plus the drunker you get the easier it is to ignore and make fun of him, ultimately making you the man.

The Awkward Roommate: 0
The Cocky Roommate: 1

The Outside-Of-The-Dorm Factor
People, especially these two types of roommates are very different when they are outside of the dorm compared to when you see them most, inside your dorm room. Places such as the dining hall, class and the gym are the three main places you will have to associate yourself while being on-campus. Here are three scenarios:

The Dining Hall:
Let’s say you forgot your meal card the one day you’re fuckin’ starving. The awkward roommate will most likely will help you out and pay for your lunch for the day. For some reason his lack of being your wingman has transformed into helping you out with random shit such as this. You might have to eat lunch with his other awkward friends but at the end of the day he paid for your lunch and that was oh so very nice of him. The cocky roommate will probably go tell you to fuck yourself but if he’s actually feeling like a decent person he will also spot you your lunch. Just know that this is just the beginning of the “You Owe Me” game where he expects you pay him back by the end of the day…and at least five drinks at the bar.

Class:
While the awkward roommate is closely paying attention to what your professor is saying you are sound asleep because lets not forget you are a Bro and even though it’s a Tuesday, your very tired and hungover from partying the night before. Something that you and the cocky roommate have in common is your taste in partying on a Monday nights so when you ask yourself who’s your go-to guy to copy homework and who’s the better guy to cheat off of, the only answer is the awkward roommate. But, if he refers to you as his “study buddy” when you’re copying his homework; be sure to slap the shit out of him.

The Gym:
“You need a spot Bro?” is probably the nicest thing you will ever hear from your cocky roommate. He is as good at lifting and playing sports as he is at loving himself and being an overall dick. The awkward roommate can’t quite kick a soccer ball as good as Seth in Superbad. Enough said.

You can always find some other guy to spot you at the gym, plus food and cheating your way through college is a lot more important these days.

The Awkward Roommate: 1
The Cocky Roommate: 0

The Accepting The True Bro Inside You FactorWho’s going to accept the fact that you like going out, getting drunk and coming back to your room with a better story than them? Who’s going to be there for you when the girl you banged out during Spring Break sends you Facebook message and tells you she’s pregnant with your half Mexican kid? 

The cocky roommate won’t really give a shit about you (other than spotting you at the gym). 99% of the time is about him and that other 1% will be competing with you on girls, stories, etc.

The awkward roommate won’t bring much to the table. But he will also never get in your way with girls and is definitely more likely to give an ear if (or when) you come across a post Spring Break dilemma such as the half Mexican kid dilemma I just mentioned above.

The Awkward Roommate: 1
The Cocky Roommate: 0

So, What Sucks More?
Having a cocky roommate. The awkward roommate wins with a 2 – 1 final score: The awkward roommate is a better person. At the end of the day, the cocky roommate is a down right dickbag who will offer nothing but annoying tendencies due to his long-term penis issues. Although he knows how to party, in which you can use his dickbag ways to your advantage, outside of your dorm room and accepting you for the Bro you are were won over by the awkward guy (which is still no way ideal but the better choice of the two).

Disclaimer: Referring to the cocky roommate as a “dickbag” just seemed like the appropriate word to call him when I was writing this.