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7 University Employees That Can Actually Aid Your Sex Life in College

By / 08.14.14

campus-security

I have personally utilized every single one of these opportunities. You can too.

It’s almost time once again to leave everything you know and love to start building up massive debt on your way to a brand new career. That’s right, kiddies. It’s time for school!!!!

But check it out, bro. This time you’re gonna be different. You’re gonna be better. You’re gonna be stronger. You’re gonna be smarter. And you’re gonna get laid way more often. How?

Use your time at school getting to know people. But especially getting to know those invisible folks around you that are the life’s blood of the university: its employees. And not just your resident advisor. That’s too easy. Focus on every other kind of worker.

They have access to secrets and opportunities that you don’t. And, in many cases, they will be more than willing to share this info with you for naught more than some polite words and a smile.

Occupation: Janitor

DoD (degree of difficulty): 2

Secret Power: Access

Every university building needs at least one janitor. These men and women clean up your bathrooms, sawdust your puke piles, scrape away your amateurish graffiti and mop up your drunken piss raids. Naturally, they hate you.

Getting to know them is as easy as smiling and asking how they’re day is going. And meaning it. If it makes you late for a class, so what? If they smell a little bit, don’t react. And shake their fucking hand every time you see them. It’s amazing what a little dignity and respect can achieve in a human being.

Janitors know every inch of the building they work in. They know which doors are locked and which ones aren’t. They know which rooms have booze and which ones have the softest couches. Perfect for a late night rendezvous when you need privacy away from ever-present roommates.

Occupation: Cafeteria Employee

DoD: 3.4

Secret Power: Bomb-ass grub

You like food. You really like good food. So why not get to know the people that provide it? See, even if the food they produce is garbage, they still know where to get heaps and heaps of it on the cheap. They also have recipes for unique dishes that might be worth trying. And some of them are students at the university already.

Be nice. Smile. And ask about the food. You don’t have to be a Hospitality major for them to spill the goods. Some of them might even make copies of the better recipes that they’re not supposed to share and give ‘em to you. With just a toaster oven and a few bucks you might be able to make a meal for your date that will blow her mind and the doors off her resolve.

Occupation: Librarian

DoD: 4.1

Secret Power: Dark corners

A library is a building designed exclusively for the purpose of increasing your knowledge and being studious. That’s why it feels so amazing when you hook up there. Pretty much every girl you’ll ever meet probably wants to hook up in the library. Now’s your chance to make it happen.

Being nice, polite and curious is good, but you’re gonna need more here. See, they already know you want to hook up there. They’re actively searching for folks to catch in the act. You will need to up your game in this case by being seen at the library often. This will disarm the staff looking to catch you in flagrante and make it easier to tell them from the ones that don’t give a shit what you do so long as you leave no messes for them to clean up.

Those second ones though, they’ve got the specialized information. Information on corners that cameras cannot not reach. Which archival rooms have doors you can lock. Study nooks that sit deep, deep, deeeeep in the stacks so that you have ample warning if anyone is gonna bust you butt-ass nekkid.

Occupation: Bus drivers

DoD: 5.8 (you might have to work this job)

Secret Power: Transportation

Walking all over campus late at night while extra sideways drunk can suck. Imagine what it’s like doing that in heels? How appreciative do you think your companion would be if you knew exactly how to get back to your secret nook on the north side of campus without having to walk there? Exactly.

Bus drivers might be campus employees, but sometimes they’re city employees that have an agreement with the university. In either case though, they dislike dealing with ungrateful, spoiled children. And that’s how they see most all students. Oh, and sometimes when they’re not dealing with you, they have smelly transients and the rude general public to deal with.

So be different. Introduce yourself. And talk to them like their welfare matters to you. They know bus routes. They know bus running times. They will also often know all about the cab system. Which ones are cheapest. Which ones are most reliable. And which ones turn a blind-eye to the backseat.

Occupation: TA/GSI

DoD: 7

Secret Power: Forgiveness

You were up late partying. You were too busy procrastinating. You just plain forgot. No matter what excuse you give your teaching aid or graduate student assistant, that’s all they’ll hear. They already know you’re full of crap. Remember, there were probably in your shoes just last year.

If you want to ensure a little leniency on your student slacktitude then you need to lay some groundwork first. Do this by showing up to their office hours. Actually doing some work. Asking relevant questions. Show interest in the material these people are doubling down on debt to teach you about. Doing so might earn you a few extra days grace when you know there’s no way you’re gonna make that Monday research paper deadline.

Occupation: Stadium employees

DoD: 8.2 (get a job there, fool)

Secret Power: The 50 yard line

Before 9/11 many stadiums were fairly open to the public at all hours of night. Now they sit under 24 hour guard. But before you give up on giving this semester’s girlfriend a life-affirming fantasy, fill out an application.

You will probably have to miss a few football games and you’ll definitely have to serve your smirking friends their corn dogs and cola. But being able to spontaneously suggest a 50-yard line drunk hump could very well make you a beast among men.

Occupation: Dps/Campus Five-Oh

DoD: 9.3

Secret Power: Urban planning

You want to know everything about everything going on in the area? No one knows like the po-po. Most college campuses are relatively safe because the university has all that student loan money you’re giving them to dump into their Department of Public Safety. Not the staff though, oh no. All that money goes into their equipment and uniforms.

Getting to know them should be easy then, right? Nope. Dps employees are like the hottest chick in the club. They’ve heard game by better men than you and more often than you’d believe. Your best bet is to temporarily declare as a Criminology major and get a job with them. If you’re lucky enough to have a friend that works for them, that’s excellent but not as good.

But this job will put you in contact with everything. You’ll have connections to sweetass late hours places, easy ingress to people that can get you things you’re not supposed to have and into places you’re not supposed to be in. The access you’ll get is worth giving up a few party weekends and dealing with a few drunkasses. So do it.


TAGScampus securitycollegecollege lifeSex
Span Bennett
About Span Bennett... Span (aka Mightyspan on Facebook and Twitter) was raised in a Detroit neighborhood while attending private, predominantly White, schools. The perspective this has lent him, along with his dazzling charisma and sense of humor, provides a look into the mind of a racial provocateur...or so says this bio that he just wrote.

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