College
by BroBible Staff on March 26, 2013

University of Maryland — College Park, Maryland

We hate to hate on the University of Maryland, home to many a Terp Bro. UMD’s redbrick buildings are quaint and the layout is picturesque, especially when coed’s flock to the McKeldin Mall to sunbath in the spring. But as soon as you leave the campus, the town of College Park notoriously sucks thanks to lots of low-income housing and a high crime rate. It's hard for the shittiness of its surroundings to not bleed into the ugliness of the campus itself. After a violent shooting in a campus parking lot in February, one student Tweeted “I get more texts from UMD Crime Alert than i do from actual people.” Another added “College park is getting too real now. Its time for campusPD to focus on crime rather than speeders, underage drinking, loud music, etc.” Not our idea of a fun place to spend four years.

South Dakota School of Mines and Technology – Rapid City, South Dakota

This school could’ve made the list based on the name itself. The campus isn’t a massacre by any means, but the surrounding area in Rapid City is both run-down, and not the most family-friendly place in the world. Shady characters abound, and the campus itself is almost like one of those safe-zones your capture the flag game. And you really don’t want to leave the safe zone.

As for the students? Well, at least their salaries aren’t ugly.

North Carolina State University – Raleigh, North Carolina 

Come to the Raleigh corner of the Research Triangle to overdose on red brick buildings! NC State isn’t necessarily fugly in itself, it’s just architecturally homogeneous to the point of nausea. Like staring at a white wall until your brain starts playing tricks on you. There are more colors in the rainbow than just red and white, Wolfpack. The most discernable feature of NC State’s campus is the ultra high-tech James B. Hunt Jr. Library, which looks like a tortuous airport terminal or an intergalactic spaceship designed by Stanley Kubrick while tripping balls on acid. The Tri-Towers and West Campus residence halls at NCSU vaguely resemble Stalin’s vision for utopian housing solutions. Oh, did we neglect to mention the leaky nuclear reactor on campus? It probably won’t be mentioned on your campus tour, either. The Vetern's Memorial Bell Tower is cool, though.

Brandeis University – Waltham, Massachusetts

It’s just kind of all over the place–you have these modern looking buildings, you’ve got a bunch of multi-colored brick shit, and you’ve got a castle. It’s almost like they decided to put the whole campus in a blender, but forgot to turn the thing on. Says Complex Magazine, “Planes of brick that slice into glass walls never really struck gold as an architectural trend.”

Boston University – Boston, Massachusetts

If we are talking ugly buildings at a school in Boston, MIT may narrowly beat out the Terriers. But if your school’s “beach” consists of a small grassy area, has no water, and is located right next to a major highway, you’re not exactly doing yourself a lot of favors when it comes to attractiveness.

“BU Beach” is actually a nice, vibrant, frisbee-infested place as the weather permits. Except that this is Boston and during the school year, the weather doesn’t exactly do that.

The campus is rather enormous and takes up a number of stops on the T, but doesn’t necessarily make anybody drop dead with awe. It’s just kind of there, like a your very vocal Uncle. A much larger presence than it probably should be, and annoyingly in-your-face.

Click on the next page for the Top 5 Ugliest Colleges….

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Carnegie Mellon University — PIttsburgh, Pennsylvania

Common reaction to a first time CMU visitor: “Boy, Hamerschlag Hall sure is one stately looking building!” Then you remember you’re in Pittsburgh, where the architectural modus operandi is to make everything look like a turn-of-the-century train station. At CMU, there is still a sense of decorum in designing a campus like a 19th century industrialist would. Anyway, it takes a certain type of rich, brainiac sadomasochist hell bent on becoming an engineer go to school in a city that averages only 59 sunny days per year. Allow College Prowler to explain the concept of “CMU Goggles”:

“At CMU, it is very important to become familiar with something called, “CMU goggles.” Similar to beer goggles, the longer you wear your CMU goggles, the more attractive the campus becomes. Obviously, these are not literal “goggles”; however, the longer students are at CMU, the more frequent that a 5 or 6 in the outside world becomes an 8 or 9 (usually if people would describe someone as a 10, they really are—there's no hiding hotness like that). The reasons for these goggles are varied. Some would say it's because you get used to the people and decide that if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. However, most are pretty optimistic about their fellow students. CMU goggles exist for most students because they have just come to know the people behind the looks. Students agree that everyone here is driven, talented, and intelligent, and a large portion are truly friendly and outgoing—you'll find that the looks don't matter as much after a few years.”

For further comment, we refer you to Urban Dictionary.

Case Western – Cleveland, Ohio

Case Western achieved some notoriety last year for being ranked atop The Princeton Review’s list of “Least Beautiful Campuses” in America. And it’s not exactly hard to see the rationale. Located in the same city that had this wonderful tourism video, the campus is generally as bland as the oft-uninspired weather. But perhaps the ugliest aspect of Case is that for a relatively prestigious engineering and science school (areas predicated on future hope and possibilities), it sits in perhaps one of the foremost centers of industrial decline. Mixed messaging at best.

Rutgers — New Brunswick, New Jersey

It's extremely disingenuous that the official campus tours at Rutgers do not include a ride on a public bus around New Brunswick. The school's freakin' bus system should be on the very front of the freakin' brochure. Get on the bus, go to class, get on the bus, go to class at another campus, repeat, go home: Since Rutgers University is spread across a few campuses in greater New Brunswick, that's the RU experience in a nutshell. Fun fact: Rutgers Campus Buses shuttling students around New Brunswick are the Garden State's second-largest public bus service, right after NJ Transit. Sure, parts of the Busch Campus are wide-open, grassy, and boast shiny new academic buildings, but do you enjoy living in dorms that look like VA Hospitals? No thanks. Parts of the campus are parking lots as big as oceans, which is fitting since it is New Jersey. The Newark Campus isn't much better, either. There’s not enough Mr. C’s fat sandwiches in the world to make the RU Screw more palatable.

Drexel University – Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

So you want to go to college in the City of Brotherly Love but couldn't get into UPenn and feel like you're too smart/rich/superior for Temple? You must be a Drexel Dragon! Existing in the drab West Philly hellscape (the same one Fresh Prince ran away from and never came back to) a stone's throw away from 30th Street Station, Drexel is Philly's redheaded stepchild institute of higher education. Sure, it's a fine academic institution for students who tried their very hardest to get a 1300 on the SATs, but the campus itself exists almost entirely in UPenn's shadow. Fortunately the school's is finally getting around to upgrading it’s architecture from that of an Eastern Bloc country. Meanwhile, the school's two most distinguishing features remain a sidewalk fountain on Woodland Walk (which pales in comparison to UPenn's picturesque Locus Walk) and a railroad trestle over Market Street. If there's a tree or blade of grass in a 10-block radius of what Drexel calls home, we've never seen it.

UMass — Amherst, Massachusetts

Last year, the UMass student paper ran an article titled “Realization of the Beauty of UMass.” The article actually justifies its points quite nicely, but the premise of the whole thing is strikingly similar to the attitude of a girl who constantly feels the need to tell you that “she isn’t high maintenance”–if she has to go out of her way to disprove it, it’s because it’s true:

Now granted, if you were to pluck some of our buildings off the campus like a single petal plucked off a radiant sunflower in the springtime and place it, say, in a Hadley parking lot, the aesthetic beauty of that single building might not shine through. This can be said of some of the more architecturally brutal buildings on campus – your Machmers and your Campus Centers. Yet these buildings, when placed among the more classically beautiful buildings on campus – your Goodells and your Old Chapels – deliver the same kind of aesthetic beauty one might see in a collage made up of materials found both in a yard of old scrap metal and a yard of abandoned Greek era sculptures, if such a thing exists (and I hope it does).

Then we have buildings like Herter, buildings that would make a perfect backdrop for a movie about Bosnia and Herzegovina. These buildings might strike one, at first glance as being, well, ugly. A building like Herter is not beautiful in the same way the Amherst College Octagon is beautiful. And yes, the interiors of these buildings are often messy. The bathroom walls in these buildings are often covered in amateur graffiti (relieving myself in Herter today, I saw “Remember the Alamo” written in black sharpie and then next to it in faint blue pen: “Remember the what?” and then over that in all caps “DUBSTEP SUCKS”). Yet, a building like Herter, placed next to the grass outside the Haigis Mall and only a short walk away from the campus pond, makes our campus beautiful in a fragmented sense. Beautiful in the way the random circular patterns of ceiling stucco are beautiful or the way the graffiti in the Herter bathroom is beautiful.

If that weren’t enough, consider that this is UMASS, aka the preferred college destination of the vulgar collective known as Massholes. This is a culture that EMBRACES ugliness. From choice of women, to the nasty gash from the bah-fight, to their general world-view, nowhere does ugly quite like UMass.

Pic of UMass George Washington Towers via John Phelan/Wikimedia Commons.

Pic of NC State Bell Tower via Shutterstock.