Everyone with a pulse in their genitalia has wanted to have sex in a campus building or public grounds during college. Whether it be in the stacks at the library or on top of the stir fry station in the dinning hall (I like stir fry, okay?), at some point, we've all thought about getting fucking nasty on school grounds. University of California Berkeley student Nadia Cho actually decided to do it, EVERYWHERE SHE COULD. Then she wrote about it, which is TERRRRRRRIFIC.
I'll let Nadia take it away, but before I do I'll note that her campus-wide romp took place on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Which, aside from the last day of finals, is likely the best time to do this.
In response to the spring 2012 “Sex on campus: actually doable?” column, yes — having sex on campus is actually very doable, and it’s lots of fun. It’s also surprisingly easy.
That particular column brought up concerns about not getting to “finish” when doing it in a public place. Maybe I’m just not ambitious enough to have goal-oriented sex, but sex isn’t always about cumming and having orgasms. Sometimes it’s for shits and giggles. Having expectations and goals can ruin the fun of it. Besides, it’s probably not a good idea to ejaculate in public places — just saying. Keep this in mind should you ever attempt sex on campus.
WIPE THAT RIGHT OUT OF YOUR MINDS. Sex in public is ALL about cumming. You want to later look at that building, while you're walking on campus with your Bros, and say "Yep, I blew my load right there. It was a majestic 80-roper that covered the entirety of her face." not, "That's where I failed to orgasm, you guys. But it was still sick because she comforted me and assured me I was still adequate."
I’ve always had the cliched fantasy of having sex in Main Stacks, so we wasted no time in heading there first. The trick to doing it in Stacks is to go at a time when there won’t be a lot of people studying at the same time and to pick a section of books that people won’t ever think to look up. Like the British Royal Academy archives.
We decided that, out of the millions of books in the library, the shelves full of books on religion seemed like the best place to fuck. We moved the adjacent shelves to block our location so that we couldn’t be seen from the rows on either side. I liked having our shelves of choice close to each other so that the setting was nice and cozy.
So did you, or did you not, read a few Bible verses mid-coitus? Also, is it illegal to have security cameras in libraries or something? It's 2012 for Christ's sake. Or, maybe Nadia here is just a fucking lawless renegade.
It’s best to have some empty shelves toward the bottom so that you can climb them and feel like Spider-Man while your partner penetrates you standing up. You can even re-enact the awesome sex scene from the film Atonement. I definitely love a man who can fuck well while standing up.
Humblebrag in 3...2...1... Then you'd love you some me. That's a lie, I'm told I'm at my best as a power-bottom, which is also know as laying completely motionless.
There were two instances in which people walked by the shelves between which my partner and I were going at it hard-core. It was like a game — having to frantically put our clothes back on and immediately pretending to be interested in the data collections of the European Union while panting and giggling hysterically.
I'm bored with library sex, where else can a Bro at UC Berkeley go to get his hang-low stanky?
For a place to have loud ass-slapping sex, the classrooms in the dungeons of Moffitt served us well after Main Stacks because the ground floor of Moffitt was completely deserted. It felt great to have sex in a classroom that I used to hate sitting in for hours without cellphone reception.
I bet it did, sweetheart.
Doing role play involving a student-teacher or GSI in a classroom like this one is LEGIT. It gives you an idea of how fantastic it would be if your hot GSI pounded you on the front desk every time you forgot to turn in a homework assignment.
Is a GSI anything like a UTI, because if you want hot fire, that'll do it.
The next building I chose to desecrate with my perverse ways was Wurster, which happens to be my least favorite building after Evans. Something I learned that day that blew my mind is that there are classrooms in Wurster that lock. With all that privacy, I had just as much fun banging as I did walking around classrooms in lingerie and writing dirty things on chalkboards.
Other than providing fun places to get down, Berkeley is the best place to explore your sexuality. Our school is a predominantly safe and accepting space with many places, people and resources to help you discover your sexual self. It is the place where I learned what it means to be queer, to recognize the presence of patriarchy, to attempt polyamory and to become more confident in my sexuality so I could go ahead with new experiences — attending naked parties and orgies and writing a sex column, just to name a few.
WHOA! Hold everything. Naked parties and orgies are commonplace at UC Berkeley? Someone please confirm.
You can find Nadia's entire sexual opus here.