In a perfect world, the male college experience would span 10 years -- that is how long it takes a man's brain to mature -- and we would get to spend each semester over the course of those years at a new school. Sure, if college lasted that long we'd probably be dead from liver disease and dickless from all the unprotected sex, but we're renegades. One semester is a perfect amount of time to acclimate yourself with your new city, scope out and drill an array of hot chicks, and make one hell of a reputation for yourself. Our dreamy scenario is sort of like "Van Wilder," but on deer antler spray (conventional steroids are so 1999).
Every college or university in this nation has something unique to offer, from the important stuff like raging parties and skanky broads, to the trivial matters like education and... education. Natuarally, when we decided to make this our list, we chose to remove the insignificant altogether and base our selections on quality of women, party scene, athletic successes, off-campus night life, and geographical location. Now would also be a good time to apologize to anyone who goes to school in Idaho, Montana, Iowa, either of the Dakotas, or any other school in a state not listed below. The fact is, your states fucking suck and you should really consider transferring and start making better decisions with your life in general. (Actually, we understand that some people hate this list, probably those of you who are hard up for your own school, but we took plenty into consideration when we made our picks and we only had so many sports to fill, so we wanted to do it in a manner that covered most regions of the country.) Below is a list of the Top 20 schools that we would attend if we could do it all over again, one drunken, sex-filled semester at a time.
Year 1, Fall Semester: University of Texas
Sixth Street is a great area to hangout and an ideal scene for getting completely wasted. A vast majority of the females in the student body are from Texas and Texas girls like to get down and dirty. So leave your condoms, morals, and hand sanitizer at home and get ready to raw-dog an asshole or two.
Year 1, Spring Semester: Indiana
With hot chicks, crazy parties, and a world-renowned basketball program, it's no wonder that Playboy and Princeton Review have rated IU the #1 party school in the past. We even tossed them a decent ranking on our esteemed list, you're welcome, Hoosiers. Oh, and having a top business program doesn't hurt either -- if you're into that sort of thing. We're not.
Year 2, Fall Semester: University of Alabama
As one reader so eloquently put it "Because we celebrate National Fuckin' Championships annually now.... anything else?" Naw, Bro. We good. We Good.
Year 2, Spring Semester: University of Southern California
USC would have made this list based on their football team's achievements alone but having an attractive student body and being minutes away from Hermosa Beach sealed its fate. Plus, the mascot is a fucking condom. What's that? Their mascot isn't a condom? Well, fuck me then. Now I just feel silly.
Year 3, Fall Semester: Penn State University
With over 44,000 students enrolled you'd have to try NOT to get laid. If you couldn't fuck a lioness you'd either have to be the loser to end all losers or the ugliest fuckin' creature to ever roam the earth. On top of having babes galore, Happy Valley is a nut house during football season.
Year 3, Spring Semester: UNLV
Go here after you turn 21, hammer a different prostitute each night, develop a cocaine dependency, piss your parent's nest egg away on the Strip, and spend the entire summer in rehab -- the real thing or the one at the Hard Rock every Sunday. You're choice.
BroBible Party School Ranking: Not Ranked (How, I have no idea. If I went there I'd be a corpse in 72 hours. Grave oversight on our part.)
Year 4, Fall Semester: University of Miami
House parties at Miami suck a big dick but the off-campus party scene is INSANE, the girls are dead sexy (especially the older women in the city), and South Beach is a goddamn three-ring circus 365 days a year.
Year 4, Spring Semester: Miami of Ohio
The "other" Miami knows how to throw a house party and if you ask me I think they got snubbed in our party school rankings. Surely they are better than #50. According to one alum, "house parties never have a cover charge and they have several near-campus beer delivery services. No better way to ensure that the student body is always well hydrated and in the perfect state of mind to make naughty decisions." Those "naughty decisions" may or may not include feltching.
Year 5, Fall Semester: University of Wisconsin
Cheese, football, cold weather, huge tits, badgers, beavers, STDs, HALLOWEEN, and the unstoppable force known as the Mifflin Street Block Party. How could you go wrong?
Year 5, Spring Semester: University of North Carolina
The Tar Heels are perennial powerhouse in basketball so plan on being there for the 2nd semester to hopefully witness and celebrate a national title. Another selling point of going to UNC is that for at least one semester, you can say something other than "because I just do, okay?" when someone asks you why you hate Duke so goddamn much.
Year 6, Fall Semester: University of Florida
UF is great if you like winning at football, basketball, and inflicting vaginal terror on hot sorority girls. It's also great if you like consuming massive amounts of cheap beer. A recent alum tells us that the best spot in town is the Grog House. Get there early as beer pitchers start at 25 cents and go up 25 cents every 30 minutes.
Year 6, Spring Semester: University of Colorado at Boulder
Ski the snow-capped mountains during the day, discover mountains topped with areolas at night, and enjoy a few Coors Lights and bong hits out on the quad while you give your buddies all the exaggerated details of your conquests the next day.
Year 7, Fall Semester: Pepperdine University
You can argue that it is a Christian university, but it is located on the beach in Malibu, California, and in our perfect scenario you're only going to be there for one semester. So fuck everything that moves and perfect the art of sacrilegious conduct.
BroBible Party School Ranking: Not Ranked
Year 7, Spring Semester: University of California at Santa Barbara
Go here once you get kicked out of Pepperdine for breaking every sacrament and setting the record for the most broken hymens in a semester. This school has to be legit, since the students at UCSB claim the letters mean "U Can Study Buzzed." Oh yeah, and having their very own beach doesn't hurt either -- unless you are a freakish albino.
Year 8, Fall Semester: Syracuse University
An inside source told us that the girls have zero morals and they are looser than my stool after eating too much dairy. On top of that, the sex life of a fraternity man at Syracuse is better than that of their Division-I athletes and the classes are a fucking joke because everyone reads at a 5th grade-level. All this came from the mouth of a person who goes there. The obvious drawbacks of going to SU is the football team is constantly mediocre and the weather sucks farts.
Year 8, Spring Semester: Tulane University
Did you know that they get their nickname -- Green Wave -- from all the genital fungus that is acquired at Mardi Gras? Apparently, when everyone comes back from Mardi Gras it's like a green wave of moldy crotches. Attend this charming university in the second semester so you can dive balls first into Mardi Gras and roll with the fungal tides.
Year 9, Fall Semester: University of Georgia
Southern belles, smash-mouth football, and a high ranking on every party school list published should be all the reason you need to go to UGA.
Year 9, Spring Semester: University of Hawaii
There's a reason that people spend their honeymoons here; it's fucking paradise. On top of the weather, you will be surrounded by thousands of sexy Polynesian women. I'm not even asleep right now and there is a strong chance that I might have a wet dream just thinking about that.
BroBible Party School Ranking: Not Ranked
Year 10, Fall Semester: Arizona State University
This is your last year. Your last hurrah. Time to go out guns blazin'. No better final stop than ASU, a school that has always been pretty average when it comes to athletics and academics but thankfully, it excels at partying and having gorgeous girls frolicking around their campus. At this point in our ten year odyssey, you're like 27-years-old and your liver and genitalia are both vying for the prize of Most Inflamed. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel because you once you finish at ASU you get to graduate, from...
Year 10, Spring Semester: Harvard
This is only on the list because saying you graduated from Harvard sounds cool. You know what else is cool? Marrying into money, that's what. Go here in the last semester of your 10th year (you'll be 28ish by then) and knock up a girl with a daddy who is a prominent CEO. Hello, easy street! Also, hit their medical center before you leave and see if those geniuses can unfuck your liver and junk.
BroBible Party School Ranking: Not Ranked.