Look how badass you are with that sweet new Bachelor’s degree! I bet you’re going to waltz out into the job world, land something that pays 40k with benefits and drop mad bank on bitches in VIP aren’t you? WRONG. With that $50,000 (if you lucky it was that cheap) piece of paper you call a degree, you are barely qualified to mop the floor in your Mom’s kitchen. Here’s some things you can do to set yourself apart from the Joe Blow sitting next to you interviewing for the same job:
Whether it’s coffee, adderall or both, make sure you are alert and ready to tackle these corporate bastards. They’re animals and you have to be sharp; just as a hunter needs his musket a businessman/woman needs their stimulants. Get some.
4. Smell good
This sounds like a no-brainer but I have heard horror stories of candidates smelling themselves before the interview and having some really awkward moments prior to being shut down for that job they thought they wanted. If you smell good, you’re going to feel good so don’t hold back on the Aqua De Gio and walk in smelling like EMPLOYMENT!
3. Be Honest
At first glance this will seem like a contradiction once you see the next tip, but be honest about the way you feel. If you genuinely feel a particular way about something let them know—it will go a long way for the hiring manager. When they ask you what your weaknesses are, they don’t want to hear the usual bullsh*t answer: “Oh I’m a perfectionist and sometimes it gets in the way of getting things done in a timely manner and I’m a f*cking liar and you will be able to see right through this blah, blah, blah.” Maybe your weakness is you like validation when you do something right; tell them so that they know WHO you are as a human. If your weakness is blacks on blondes porn, maybe keep that one to yourself.
2. Lie on your resume
At this point in your life you probably have no “real world experience” while you try and enter a world where real world experience is exactly what you need. Maybe you were really active in college and joined this club and participated in that club and did a bunch of stuff for this campus organization. If that’s the case you might not need to lie, but if you are the 99% that weren’t as active as the aforementioned individual just use your creative juices and invent a club that you were president of. Tell them about all those meetings you attended for that one thing that you were a part of and bump up that GPA a point or two. (Most employers won’t request your final grades). If they ask you if you can work weekends, say YES even if you mean NO; after you’ve been hired and they call you in on a weekend that’s when you can bust out the excuses. Remember, it’s always better to ask for forgiveness than for permission (except when it comes to sex).
1. Be yourself
It’s that simple. You are the f*ckin’ Man/Woman you got to where you are by being you, now it’s time to showcase yourself as the incredible human being you are and crush it in this interview. You are better than their company and if you aren’t the right fit then the loss is clearly theirs and you will probably find something way better. I feel like a motivational coach right now and it’s weird but I sort of like it. Now go out there rip off some heads and sh*t down some necks.
Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who doesn’t want you to be another unemployed statistic. You can follow him on Twitter @sToTle.