It’s that time again! Parents carrying boxes of who-dads and knick-knacks up into their precious Billy’s dorm room! The faint taste of autumn creeping wistfully off the September wind and onto little Bobby’s tongue! The ceremonial hugging and fist-bumping of Billy and Bobby reunited after a long and restful summer like two excited geese after a long winter migration!
This, gentlemen, is fall semester.
If this is your first fall semester, well, with any luck, the next few months will bring with them friendship and freedom, birdsong and brotherhood, hope and heaven-scent, and, most importantly, adventure both academic and drug-induced. Congratulations young goose! You’ve made it to college, and college will surely be the high-point of your life.
But you’re a young goose. Look around you. The older geese come adequately schooled in the patterns and patois of the pond. You, on the other hand, are but a young goose set loose in the unyielding wild and yonder. What you need is a guide; a Sherpa of sorts, sent down from the mountains to help you navigate these cold and foreign undergraduate waters.
Goose, I am that Sherpa sent down from the mountains to help you navigate the cold, foreign waters of your undergraduate career. Indeed, you will reach baccalaureate glory. All you need is guidance. To begin, I present: 9 Rules For Surviving Your First College Party
In the talkie-pictures, every college party comes complete with an unlimited supply of free booze. Also in the talkie-pictures, all the college kids look to be about thirty-two and change. Well it turns out college is nothing like the talkies, and if you’re thinking of getting your drink on at a college party, you better do it before hand and on your own dime.
2. Dress Cheap
I know. You want to rock your most expensive article of clothing at your very first college party. Precious. Your thinking is: The flossier I look, “The higher my chances are of pulling in a smokeshow.” First of all, don’t say “flossier.” It makes you sound like a dickhead. Second, if you’re doing things right, you will sweat, and puke, and fuck up your clothes at your first college party, so it’s probably best not to be wearing your Sunday best. Jeans, a T shirt, a hoodie. Hell, dress up like a freakin’ leprechaun. Doesn’t matter (truthfully, the leprechaun costume will probably go over well with the ladies.) To be sure, there are those colleges where it matters a lot what you wear to parties. But those colleges are for douche-bags so fuck ‘em.
3. Be Ready To Rumble
Back in my college days (we’re talking months ago), the best parties always involved a little bloodletting. Sometime it was the result of something simple like getting socked in the face for hitting on a dude’s girlfriend. More often than not though, a fight would break out for no good reason at all, and, next thing you know, you’re bleeding out all over your Airforces. You see, college follows a cryptic logic where often times dudes start throwing punches just because they can. Don’t ask questions. Just be ready.
4. Respect The Hosts
Some dudes are surrendering their homes out of the graciousness of their hearts so that you can get drunk and grind up on chicks during your first week of college. The least you can do is show these men some respect. The most you can do is seriously kiss these guy’s asses for the entire party.
5. Don’t Steal
You’re drunk as hell, stumbling around some old house, bassline wobbling through your cerebral cortex, drunk girls running around snapchatting the shit out of everything, when something catches your eye in the living room. It’s “Anchorman” on DVD! You love that movie! And look at it! Poor little guy is all alone and lonely at a big noisy party. You’re thinking, “I should take this little guy back with me. Give him a new home, a new life!” It’s a sweet sentiment, and it comes from a place of selflessness, sure. But taking home an Anchorman DVD from a party makes you a thief. Did you know in some countries they cut of your hands for stealing Anchorman DVD’s from a dude’s party. Not saying that’s going to happen, but just keep in mind, no one likes a thief.
6. Hold Your Liquor
It’s freshman year and, finally free of your parents’ puritanical gaze, you’re going to drink as much booze as you can darn well hold in your little freshman gullet. Congrats, bro. But see that gangly freshman dude barfing his guts out on the front porch? That’s you acting like the freakin’ stereotype of a freshman dude. No one likes a stereotype. Rise above, brother, rise above.
7. Respect the Cops
You know what sucks? What sucks is when you’re the dude throwing everyone a nice mid-sized rager, and the cops get called in to shut you down. You know what sucks even more? Freshman dudes, drunk and ready to go all H.A.M. on their very first night in college, get indignant with the cops. Don’t be that freshman. Firstly, you will get your ass Rodney King’d. Second, the host will somehow get screwed over in the process.
8. Respect The Playlist
We get it. You want to be the one to plug in your Samsung phone to play some Asher Roth dubstep remix mashup whateverthefuck. Stop what you’re doing. Crawl into a hole. Die.
9. Don’t Be An Idiot
This rule is meant to cover all sorts of stupid shit you might be inclined to do at your first college party. Just think about what idiots do in the world, and remember never to do those things at your first college party. It should be noted however: As you get older and hence more respected, you are allowed to do a lot of the stupid stuff you once weren’t allowed to at parties. That’s the cosmic logic of college. Enjoy it.
Alright that’s it. Go hard, be safe, Godspeed. Don’t disrespect women.
Isaac Himmelman is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. You can follow his shit on twitter @isaachimmelman