7. Do not tell your Mom how you actually do your laundry.
Your Mom has done your laundry all your life and she probably bought most of your clothes. Do not let her know that you don’t separate the whites from the darks. It will immediately lead to a disgusted look and a, “You know your clothes don’t last as long when you don’t separate them. Your colors will fade and your whites will turn a light gray. I thought I told you this before you went to school, separate them…Etc…Etc…” It is an endless beating that your mom will throw at you, so avoid it by not telling her your laundry techniques. Simply say, “It always takes me so long to do my laundry because of all those separate loads I run!” Problem averted.
6. Do not tell your Mom that you drink as often as you do.
At some point during the break, you will probably be going out to get plastered and your Mom is most likely fully aware of this. Do not let her know that you do this 4+ nights a week when you’re at school. She might already be worried that you drank the night before Thanksgiving, you drank on Thanksgiving, you drank the night after Thanksgiving and you drank on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Let her know that this is a holiday-break drinking schedule; during school between all your tests and papers that there is no possible way that you could drink like this. Put her at ease even more by explaining how you have designated 1 night a week as your party night and you always have a DD or taxi lined up 3 days in advance. You’re mother will be proud of the responsible child she’s raised and be completely understanding of your party habits during this break.
5. Do not ever mention the name Molly.
Your Mom does not need to know that Molly exists, nor does she need to know that you do it. When I was in college, Molly was just starting to get big and to this day my Mom thinks it’s just some nice girl I used to date. Let’s put it in perspective, how would your Mom feel about you doing something that requires you to drink water to avoid sudden death? Probably not too good. Never even let the name Molly come up unless you know a Molly and your Mom knows you know a Molly. If she does happen to ask you about this hot new party drug (which she might) say something along the lines of, “Mom, you know I say no to drugs, I stick with alcohol when I go out.” This will bring her true joy knowing that you abstain from drugs but it shows honesty in the sense that you are willing to admit that you catch a buzz when you go out. She’ll appreciate it!
4. Do not tell your Mom how much class you miss.
You’ve probably missed plenty of classes this year, maybe it’s because of a hangover, Call of Duty, weather, sleep, or the good old fashioned I hate that class so I’m not going mentality. No matter the reason, your Mom does not need to know how much class you miss. Always tell her that class is fantastic and that you’re learning so much about this ever-changing world. One trick I used to use was to tell her 1 thing I’ve learned from each class and how I can apply it to my life. Not only will she be impressed, there’s always an off chance that she might even give you some extra money every week for brain food!
3. Do not tell your Mom about the hours of video games you play.
Parents have a tough time understanding the whole idea of video games (especially Moms) since they grew up doing boring things like reading and playing with nature. Do not let her know that you spend the same amount of hours as a part time job playing video games. Instead, label this time as ‘bro time’ or ‘chill time’ and explain how during the week you like to take a brain break to relax with your friends and talk about current events. She’ll assume you play the occasional game of Madden, but for the most part she should think you are grounded in reality and not completely addicted to beating everyone in your house with the Cleveland Browns to prove your dominance.
2. Do not let her know how much money you spend on munchies.
You may have already had the chat with your parents about spending WAY too much money on pizza and food that you don’t have to cook. But this break is a good time to let your Mom know that this frivolous spending has nothing to do with all the drugs and alcohol that you consume. She should never know how much money you’re spending on munchies because you were drunk and high. I always used to tell my Mom that I would buy pizza late at night so my friends could sober up and have less of a hangover in the morning. My intentions were evaluated as charitable and kind, just the way she raised me. In actuality I had just gotten home from the bar (probably with girls) at 4 AM and we were high as sh*t. Naturally pizza was the only thing that could satiate our hunger. Mom still doesn’t know.
1. Do not tell her about the people you’ve ‘been with.’
Your parents have probably been to college or have at least visited; so they understand that there is plenty of unprotected sex going on all the time. Do not let your Mom know about the horrible things you’ve done this year to those who have allowed you to ‘do sex’ with them. If your Mom asks you how the ladies are treating you, say something like, “Oh Mom, they’re good. I just haven’t found one that’s good enough to meet you!” Smile and give her a hug. This is the best way of saying, I’ve met some girls and I’ve considered dating them based solely on whether or not you would like them. This will make your Mom feel honored and it will also lead her to believe that you are in fact a gentleman. Maybe you are or maybe you’re not, but she should never know about that time you made a girl leave in the morning because you felt awkward about not remembering her name.
Use judgment with what you tell your Mom, she’s worried about you up there at your big University trying to be a successful person. You don’t always have to lie, but definitely don’t tell her the whole truth.
Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who’s excited for Thanksgiving this year, but only for the indigenous nudity. You can follow him on Twitter @sToTle.