College
by Isaac Himmelman on May 3, 2013

Ok, so we established that you’re and owl and that you’re not going to study for finals. Wise choice, owl. But everyone’s in the library this week. You can’t not be where everyone is. True. So the question is: What the hell are you going to do in the library instead of studying for finals? Glad you asked owl, because there are so many things to do this week instead of studying for finals! Literally, there are thousands of important things you can do instead. So, with out further ado, I present: the Top 5 Things to Do in the Library Instead of Studying for Finals.

1. Pick Up Chicks 

Normally, you’re move with the chicks is to get really drunk at parties and cross your fingers in hopes that one will want to make-out with you. But this week sucks for you because instead of getting smashed in your friend’s basement, all the chicks are sober in the library cramming for accounting or stats or whatever-the-fuck-class because you’re not studying for finals, remember? But hey, there’s good news here: While all your would-be competition is high on adderall (and you can google what adderall does to your libido or you can trust me when I tell you it fucking takes a crowbar to your libido’s skull), you’re free to Casanova yourself around the campus like you were born to do. Now as you’d expect, all the chicks in the library are getting really stressed out with all the studying they have to do. Enter you, swooping in from the branch on which you were perched like a falcon or owl with a sculpted broad-shoulder for a stressed out chick to cry on. Maybe you show up with a caramel latte? Flowers? Extra Pencils? Condoms? Whatever. Get creative. This is your moment, young Owl. Dream big, and never stop believing.

2. Prank Your Friends

You know what sucks? What sucks is that you have the entire week off to do whatever-the-fuck you want, meanwhile all your boys are cooped up in the library studying their brains out. Your boys are suckers. If only they’d taken a page out of your book: The Book of Veterans. But no! They are like sheep to slaughter those boys and it’s up to you to teach them a lesson. Now I know people like to get all creative with pranks. That’s not my way. My way is old school. Old school is taking a bunch of water balloons and slamming them at your friend’s face. Old school is waiting until one of your boys falls asleep in the library, then coating his face with honey so that a wild bear might come and lick it off later in the night. Also, you can draw dicks on your friends. That’s a sick prank!

3. Read Periodicals

Libraries are filled with books, yes, but if you were gonna read an entire book, you might as well study for finals. But fuck that. Studying is gay, am I right? But you know what’s not gay, shorter than a book, plus five times more interesting? Periodicals! And guess what, bro? Libraries are filled with them. Sports Illustrated, Vogue, Us Weekly, Small Dogs, you name it! Here’s what you do: Go to the information desk and ask the little dude sitting there where the periodicals are located. Now, if said little dude is actually a cute chick, see #1 and proceed from there.

4. Start A Drug Empire

Finals season means everyone is high on adderall. And for the folks who aren’t? Well, best believe they’re hounding the library looking for some. Now you might be pulling D’s in Econ this semester, but you can sense an open and lucrative market when once raps you on the head with a gulf-club (figuratively.) Now adderall is a class II drug right up there with blow, so I would never tell you to start dealing adderall in the library during finals week. What I will say is this: theoretically, if one were so inclined to go down a dark and all together illegal route, finals week presents the entrepreneurial-minded bro with a shot at forming for himself a lucrative young drug-empire. Down the line, said bro could branch out into other areas, coke, E, K, meth etc. Sure there will be violence, turf wars, gun battles, lives lost in the cross-fire. Perhaps one night a rival gang will kidnap your family and hold them for ransom forcing you to take justice into your own hands and enact a bloody and grusome revenge sequence, complete with car chases, explosions, and slamming smokeshow chicks. But there will also be tons of cash, cars, clothes, and smokeshow chicks. So does any of this sound fun? Maybe. I will say that all of this sounds better than studying for fucking finals.

5. Study For Finals

Don’t actually study for finals. That’d be lame. But what you can do is study for finals in like a meta way. Meaning, you are studying for finals, not as a means to do well in a class, but rather as means to make the ultimate meta commentary on finals as a patriarchal system of oppression. In studying for finals you are in a sense, sticking it to the system, and to the man, and to whomever else is fucking up your shit at any given moment. Try this stoned out of your mind.

Alright, that’s it, little owl. Go hard. Be safe. Don’t disrespect women. Stand with America.

[Studying image via ShutterStock]

About Isaac Himmelman...