College is it’s own world and there is literally no place like it. I’ve been living in the real world for 2 years now and I absolutely hate it. All the fun and joy that you once had in college is RIPPED from your warm, alive fingers and is replaced with a job, shitty people and debt (unless your parents paid for your school in which case you’re a lucky son-of-a-bitch). College had so many freedoms and so many little things that I took for granted which now, looking back, I wish I would have appreciated those little things just a wee bit more. The real world is a cruel place and early on during my release in to it, I quickly realized that there are certain things that you can do in college that just aren’t okay in the real world.
‘In college your professor will take off points, in the real world YOU WILL BE FIRED.’
Zach Galifianakis had the perfect joke about college, ‘the only thing I remember about college is how many times my grandmother died.’ This is beyond true because in college when it comes to deadlines you can EASILY lie and receive no penalty whatsoever. In the real world, if you lie to get out of a deadline bad things can happen like: getting yelled at, getting fired, getting yelled at and then fired. I worked at an advertising firm for a while and even if I was 3 hours early for a deadline, I would still get yelled at for not having it in even earlier. Needless to say, I don’t work there anymore.
Eating Ramen Every Night
‘In college you’re new at being on your own, unable to do a lot for yourself. In the real world you’re just a piece of shit who still can’t do anything for yourself.’
In college you’re almost like a baby, thrust out into the world, alone, unknowing, without a mother who can cook for you. It’s weird at first, but then you start to enjoy the freedom and you realize that you can eat something like Ramen for dinner every night and no one can tell you not to. It’s fast, easy, cheap and filling; the perfect meal if you don’t care about your health. But if you take a habit like eating Ramen all the time with you into the real world, people will just think of you as a sodium filled, lazy shitbag.
‘In college you’re just catching up on all that missed sleep from studying (drinking), in the real world you’re probably unemployed.’
Naps were literally my second favorite thing about college and now they’re gone. I can’t take naps during the week and I don’t want to take naps during the weekends, because in my free time I want to be awake, talking to people, doing things, having fun because I know once Monday comes rolling around I am no longer a free man. I am a slave to ‘the man.’
Asking Parents for Money
‘In college you’re using their money to benefit your education, in the real world you’re a pathetic mooch’
In college your parents are always willing to help because they understand that with all your classes and extra curricular activities you might not have time to get a job to earn that extra cash that you need to get by. That’s why they are usually so willing to give you a few extra bucks here and there when needed. But try that shit in the real world more than 6 months after graduation without a job. They will hate you and one way or another they will find a way to make you hate you.
‘In college you’re a hero, in the real world you’re just a criminal dealing class 2 narcotics to junkies.’
Plenty of people sell their Adderall in college and plenty of those people get away with it because in the grand scheme of things, they’re just helping their friends study a little bit better. I know people who have used the Dewey Decimal System to help potential buyers locate them in the library so they could purchase some ‘Addy McStudyhards’ stealthily. But in the real world people use Adderall as speed and as an ingredient in their weird amphetamine cocktail. So if you’re slangin’ that study candy outside of college, you’re pretty much just a drug dealer and the repercussions of selling your Adderall will probably be FAR more severe than it would be for a college student.
Drinking Every Night
‘In college you’re fun, but outside of college you are an alcoholic degenerate.’
In college it was easy to go to an hour-long class everyday hung-over simply to return to the apartment to play Madden and smoke weed until the hangover wore-off. Unfortunately the real world isn’t as chill. So unless you are okay with being hung-over for an 8-hour workday EVERYDAY while you stare at a screen and get yelled at by someone who has no hope left in their life, by all means DO THIS.
Aristotle is a Los Angeles based comedian who misses being in college, when all he had to do in a day was drugs. You can follow him on Twitter and Vine @STOTLE.