Post graduation feels like being a freshman in the real world. You’ve paid thousands of dollars to ensure the next year and a half of your life is spent getting coffee and answering phones. Within months you’ll realize your degree prepared you for the working world as well as sharpening a stick prepares you to fight a bear. You used to think you’d hang that degree proudly on a wall, now you’re burning it for 30 seconds of warmth. The real world has a great way of showing you that everything you learned in school is already dated, or that the company you work for uses techniques that are even older than what you learned. There is hope though, there are a few things you learn in school that actually translate into real life.
Ambivalence: College is where you learn to give 0 fucks. It’s here where you start to understand the only thing in life that’s for sure is pregnancy scares and death. People flake, and teachers change the rules. After a while you’ll learn to accept the fact that plans will get broken and Pornhub is the only thing that will never let you down. In fact Pornhub tailors itself to your tastes, which is more than you can say for anyone else. Instead of getting sad about it, get drunk alone.
How to Lie: Your grandma has been in the hospital 4 times this semester, which is weird because she died in 2001. Who knew a horrible family tragedy could help you procrastinate a paper? College is where you learn to make excuses because you didn’t have the initiative to leave your bed. It starts with professors, but soon you’ll find yourself lying to everyone. Explaining you think you got strep throat is a lot better than telling your girlfriend you couldn’t meet her parents because you don’t care.
Staying Awake: It’s much easier to treat your body like shit now, so its ready for when you do it later. When you’re in your late 20’s its a lot easier to stay up working all night and still function the next day after you remember that 3 day spring break bender. Sure, deadlines help you to stay awake to get everything done but so does Irish coffee and 20mg of Adderall. In college you have the time to figure out the perfect combination of stimulants and hard hardheadedness that can help you through your adult life.
How to Cheat: Cheating is an essential part of adult life. In college you learn how to write on your body, get a cheat sheet, or how to text a friend while being watched. As an adult these lessons carry, taking credit for what other people have learned is the best way to get ahead. Nothing feels better than a business presentation where everyone congratulates you, unless of course it was just a rehashed version of previous ideas that only took you 20 minutes. Remember to distract everyone with as many visuals as possible, even adults love shiny things.
Cooking: You’re going to learn to make one impressive meal. Probably nothing more than that. One meal is all you need to make when you have friends over for dinner. One meal is enough to impress the opposite sex enough for them to come over. Most people hate cooking, but putting Chipotle in new wrapping isn’t clever enough for people not to notice.
In college you’re also going to learn how much your tolerance is and how to do drugs, but the five skills above get used the most. It’s disheartening to know that you paid thousands upon thousands of dollars to learn 5 things. Just know the best part about those 5 things is that when used together properly, they can get you farther ahead in life than anything a text book ever taught you.
Bread Foster is a NYC comedian, see him live August 21st at Broadway Comedy Club.
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