College
by John Hickey on August 21, 2013

“I can’t, I have a girlfriend back home.”
A long distance, serious relationship at the tender age of 19? So not Bro.

“I don’t know if we should hook up, I’m pretty drunk.”
As Steven Lynch croons, “I know I smell like whiskey and I’ve had a couple rounds, but with every shot of Jager, hey you lose a couple pounds.” 

“There’s no participation grade but I’d like to add to the discussion.”
If your syllabus has scant evidence of an Attendance or Participation grade, psh, see you at the Midterm.

“Dude I can’t go out tonight, my professor said we need the first four chapters read by tomorrow.”
If you buy the class textbook from the University bookstore, you just wasted perfectly good drinking money.

“Today I’m going to work on my cardio.”
There are only two ‘days’ you need when hitting the fitness center: chest/back and bis/ tris. Stretching and legs are for the student athletes.

“My RA said no booze in our dorms; I wouldn’t want her to get mad at us.”
The chances that she’ll sleep with you are much higher if you have some liquid courage.

“My roommate’s asleep…we should wait until the morning to have sex.”
He’s on the bottom bunk, he won’t hear a thing.  Don’t you know sound travels upwards? It’s science.

“Sure, you can borrow my car.”
Sure, you can get my car impounded and your license revoked for DUI.

“Have you heard the new Dave Matthews Band CD?”
Who buys CD’s anymore? Also three words: Chance. The. Rapper.

“I’m happy being the designated driver tonight.”
I’m happy not getting laid tonight.

“I bet I can find all the research I need in a reference book at the library.”
I think I used the ATM at my college’s library once. It could have been a 7-11 though.

“Yeah dude, I’d love to be roommates again next year!”
This will be one of the biggest mistakes you make. Bigger than that softball player. You remember her.

“I’m not very good at N64…”
Or beer pong. Or pick-up basketball. No guy in college is good at any of those things. 

“Yeah, I have a condom.”
I also have a Mercedes if we’re talking about imaginary things.

“Your professor wants you to sleep with her? Report it to the dean.”
If I’m not getting laid NOBODY’S getting laid.

John Hickey is a Chicago based stand up comedian and writer. Follow him @johnnyjhickey and check out his website johnhickeycomedy.com