Your greatest triumphs, your most disturbing failures, and all the not-so innocuous moments in between. They all go down here.
1. Dueling Sandwich Shops
A campus sandwich shop cannot be considered a true University staple until it becomes routinely taken hostage by multiple hordes of sweatpant-wearing Bros, who primarily communicate via indistinguishable grunts only otherwise championed by throat cancer patients.
As someone who has performed this ritual hundreds, if not thousands of times, a successful college deli establishment requires the following:
1. Sandwiches named based on college character, that are therefore extremely easy to be mocked
2. Unavoidable run-ins with people you really don’t want to talk to after last night’s performance
3. Hard-working person behind the counter with whom you think you've formed a tacit friendship with, even though you haven't at all.
2. Campus Bar
Do you like yelling “whasss good???!?” to certain people, and pretending like you don’t know others? Want to get spectacularly shitfaced on $7 pitchers with the same 7-9 people every night? Don’t mind being a bit discouraged when you realize that the majority of girls you are gunning for are in relationships, and the only other talent that’s worth it has grown tired of the non-committal hookup, and will thus only get with you if you exhibit and maintain proper boyfriend material?
If you’ve answered yes, please discontinue saying words, sack up, and enjoy your last vestiges of not listening to a radio host to make your morning commute more tolerable.
SCENE: CVS - Early Evening
College Male, 21, absentmindedly picks up some essentials. Upon seeing Underclassmen Female, 19, he freezes--they met at a thing, but her friend blacked out so she had to run away before he could get her number. She is way more attractive than the girls he usually hooks up with. But since he is two years older, she is somehow oblivious to this.
Male: Hey! I definitely didn’t see you there.
Female: Cool dude.. So how come we haven’t hooked up yet?
Male: Well I wasn’t gonna Facebook message you cause that’s just way too attractive of a thing to do. And then I got a girlfriend, so I figured there was no point in talking to you.
Female: True. Though you broke up with her right? Isn’t it weird that I somehow know this information?
Male: It should be, but not really.
Female: I feel like now is the time where I say something like “classes are kicking my ass,” because you’re supposed to make the next move here, but I want to keep talking to you, so I will just say that “classes are kicking my ass.”
A few beats of silence. CVS lady yells “next” in the most miserable, emotionless tone possible.
Male: Want to have zero concrete plans to meet up tonight, but hope that fate somehow brings us together?
Female: Kind of. Though now that I see your primary sustenance is a carton of milk, three bags of funions, a Power Bar, and a box of condoms, I feel like you no longer offer any surprises.
4. Late-Night Food
As much as a party as the place you just came from. Not unlike watching your favorite childhood movie as an adult, be sure never to eat this shit sober. A loss of innocence from which you may never recover from.