College
by Lance Pauker on November 7, 2012

1. Passive-Aggressive House Czar

It’s not his fault that everyone else in the house is incapable of making a “ca$h-money owed” spreadsheet and pressing a button once a month on a website, but that’s simply the burden of being responsible. As if that weren’t enough, his self-appointed role is often complemented by a holier-than-thou attitude that’ll be treated with great resistance by other housemates.

He’ll then become detached and cynical about “the future of this country, even at a good school like this” and take out his anger via passive-aggressive notes regarding the constant filth in the kitchen–after all, the czar's house dominance knows zero bounds.   

2. The Energy Player

“He’s a great guy, but…”

For whatever reason, he can only be tolerated in short bursts, much like the seventh man on a basketball team whose job is jumpstart the squad with a steal, a drawn charge, and a particularly feisty defensive rebound. Leave him in too long however, and his overzealousness will morph into bonehead turnovers, thus exposing his fundamental deficiencies. You can appreciate what he’s all about, but just not a guy to keep in your main rotation.

It’ll be tough to break the news that you no longer want to room, but it’s a roster adjustment crucial to maintaining the squad as a whole.

3. Sweatpants Superstar

The electricity bill is likely $20 more per month due to this guy. The 2012 version of Jeffrey Lebowski except MUCH less awesome, The Sweatpants Superstar will spend around 16 hours a day glued to Xbox LIVE, his dominance of 14 year-olds in his video game du jour so beyond “sad” that it’s actually impressive.

Attending class is such an accomplishment, it must be rewarded by skipping the next three. 

4. The ‘Room Guy’

While some prefer the camaraderie of browsing Facebook in a collective space, this dude prefers the solace of his own room. We all speculate what he’s probably doing MOST of the time, but he prefers the comfort of his desk even when doing something as innocuous as reading a Bill Simmons mailbag.

The Room Guy’s devotion to his sanctuary drastically increases if his girlfriend is abroad, attends another school, or if his lifelong goal is to be the focus of one of those shitty commercials about how anti-social technologies actually bring us all together

5. The Wallet Vampire

Whether it’s a late-night food binge, that extra round of shots, or a dope concert, it’s pretty tough to turn down all the cool shit he’s always doing. After all, it’s only just this once. You could just cook for the next two days or whatever.

Except that you can’t cause yo this sick new Mexican restaurant with $2 tequila shots just opened up. So we have to go there, and $30 of tequila shots, food, cab, more food, and fuck.

The Wallet Vampire–sucking all the money out of your wallet since “yo, these tickets are only like $80 and they’re usually $110.”

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6. The Secretly Insecure Loner

This is the one who is never home, opting to spend hours at a time in some mysterious place, his elusiveness clearly inferring that he’s more important of you.

Because he spends the majority of his time not writing a novel, over-analyzing collegiate intricacies, and failing to tell you what he’s been up to once you return, his lack of traditional collegiate priorities is a little bit upsetting. That is of course, until he goes on an alcoholic rampage in which he self-deprecates himself to the point of a way too over-the-top Louis CK rant. Of course no one gives a shit, but it’s important for everyone else to just go with it to make him feel like he somewhat matters.   

7. Shirtless Sam

We’re all men here, boys. Look at how much I lift. I will show you by constantly showing off my mild chest hair. Please ask me about my six pack so I can humblebrag about it. My body hates me cause I drink. But I still have this sick six pack…I’m the sickest. Me and all those girls that I never hook up with.

8. The Slow Demise

First, it’s a string of blackouts. Then, it’s almost sleeping through a midterm. Then, it's a coke binge complete with hooking up with a friend’s ex. All of this is told to you on the couch the next morning, his shame glaze falling deeper and deeper into a pit of inescapable quicksand.

For his sake, it’s better for him to have a moment where he almost dies than it is for him to continue his slow-but-steady descent into perpetual degeneration and/or an extremely high-paying investment banking job.

9. Mr. Zeitgeist

This guy may be the worst of them all, if only for the fact that he’s genuinely oblivious to his greatest deficiency–taking a moment as mundane as a house trip to Chipotle to make some bold, declarative statement about how these are the best years of our lives with the best friends and we’re gonna dominate the world someday, and it’s all gonna work out.

If Zeitgeist majors in never shutting the fuck up about friends, yay, he minors in being overly preoccupied about “the house next year.” Ultimately it’s great to have a guy like this on your team (his undying devotion to your crew will be enough motivation to do all necessary research), but in terms of a conversational topic, less needs to be done. Particularly given the fact that we just moved into this place like two weeks ago.

10. Incompetent Igor

House maintenance is often a contentious subject amongst Bros. I err along the side of “part of being in college is living in a total shithole,” but there are certain things–for example, keeping a kitchen relatively disease-free–that should be collectively respected amongst housemates. Obviously your room is your room, but it’s no secret that it's tough to strike a collective balance in common areas. 

Incompetent Igor will likely be the roommate whose room strongly resembles a putrid rainforest, meaning that his habits transcend past his own living quarters. Under his own strain of inexplicable self-delusion, running a plate under cold water (sans soap) for upwards of three seconds constitutes a clean dish. Even more alarmingly, his swelling sense of accomplishment is simply too much to be the heartless dick who informs him that said plate is not in fact clean. All in all, a hilarious (but equally infuriating) disaster

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