College
by Lance Pauker on November 20, 2012

1. Guy Who Is Pledging

A. I’m pledging a frat

B. It’s so sick.

C.  I’m gonna keep telling you that I’m pledging a frat until you ask me what pledging is like.

D. What’s pledging like? Dude, you don’t even fucking know.

E.  You do know? Well, I’ll just widen my eyes more and more, so that you have no choice to believe that what I am doing is superior to what you are doing.

F.  I’ve said about 25 words during all of pledge, because I am beyond terrified of that senior who spits dip at peoples faces. But I will conveniently leave out that part.

2. The 1.4 GPA

True story. Freshman year Christmas break, I walked into a friend's house that filled with the sorts of Bros I’d hang out with in high school due to the fact that I, like them, shared similar male interests such as sports, pretending not to try too hard in classes, and lamenting about wanting to “get the fuck out” of our decidedly comfortable upper-middle class suburb. So I walk into this room of wannabe burnouts, do the good-old high-five routine, and rehash the few jokes that had eventually became the primary basis of our declining frienships. The usual shit. But then I get to greeting “Jared,” and before I can do anything, he proudly states the following:

“I got a 1.4.”

Suffice to say he did not stay at that school very long after that. Every friend group has a 1.4, and it’s up to the rest of you to embrace his almost refreshing sense of not giving much of a shit. Strangely, he seems to have something figured out that you don’t. 

3. Straight Edge → Extremely Blurry Edge

The kid that didn’t really drink in high school, citing devil parents, resume fear, or some sort of strange innocence preservation. On the third night of college, he was found passed out on the out-of-the-way dorm room steps, smiling giddily in his own pool of vomit. Though if you think that a near-death experience would stop someone who has just discovered the glory that is drinking alcohol, think again. 

When he’s not effortlessly chugging handles of Burnetts, he’s stumbling around campus, telling anyone who will listen that alcohol is the best, and why the fuck didn’t he do this in high school. It's adorable.

4. Greater Than

People drink at your school? People drink more at his. You play pong this way? People at his school play the better, more impressive version.

It’s tough attending a school that’s head and shoulders above everyone elses in all possible categories, but such is the tragedy of Greater Than. Only he and his unfathomable dominance of all that is everything ever is capable enough to handle such unvarnished awesomeness.

5. Whipped Wally

He never had a girlfriend in high school, primarily because he was disturbingly obsessed with trying to have a girlfriend in high school. To his pleasant surprise, he just so happened to meet the female equivalent of himself on the second day of school. She even lives on his floor. It’s so perfect. Nobody agrees. 

How many texts saying “I misssss youu babe (insert 40 different colored heart emojis) can you text in one hour? Whatever the amount, he’s threatening the record.

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6. The Local Swagbot

Him and his “look how much I didn't apply myself in high school” ear piercings stayed local, because I’ma go to (insert community college) for two years and get my shit together. Beliee-dat. 

He now has a tattoo reflecting how much he thinks about life, and it’s only a matter of time until he meets a girl two years younger from the rival high school and knocks her up. Don’t you worry though–when he becomes a father in two years from now, swears off drinking, and trades the wife beater for a hilariously skin-tight sweater, he’ll claim it’s “the best thing that ever happened to him.” To each his own, but you gotta admire someone whose managed to land a girl that spends the majority of her time writing Facebook status confessing her undying love to a dude who may not get that elusive associates degree.

7. Contemplative Cara

That fateful “it's not goodbye, it's see you later” was only 90 days ago. The one where she departed from the loving arms of her future husband, pool of tears in tow. “We're gonna get through this,” she wailed.

Funny how much shit can change in 90 days.

Weekend after weekend of staying in to skype is slowly getting to her. Will she ever have any friends? Will he stop making that dumbfuck puppy dog face? Will looking out in the distance like an overacted Matt Saracen actually cure anything? Are you phunking with his heart? 

8. The Secret Crisis

Some shit is going down, but he won’t tell you about it. Could be anything from his parents losing their jobs, dealing with an abortion, or accidentally murdering someone and being too afraid to go to the police. He puts on a face, but there’s clearly something eating him. And that shit is bigger than you, Bro.

9. Your New Friend

Most high school friend groups acquire a new member sometime during college. A person that should’ve hung with you all along, but didn’t because of some strange loyalty to a team, former group of friends, or awkward dating scenario.

Thankfully though, said lunch table politicking is water under that bridge where everyone used to go hook up. Commence adding another member to your group of people you have enough shit in common with. Always great to acquire a new energy player.

10. The Renaissance Man

He went to college for less than a semester, so suddenly he has license to tell you about all the crazy experiences you must experience, implying that he’s lived 10-15 years more than he actually has.

Best to grow a beard, acquire thick glasses, and totally revamp his taste in music. You may miss the old, substantially less douchier version of this fellow, but he’s “just not that person anymore.” And you've gotta just come to accept that. 

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