A few months ago, these were your friends. Has college changed them for the better? Doubtful.
1. Guy Who Is Pledging
A. I’m pledging a frat
B. It’s so sick.
C. I’m gonna keep telling you that I’m pledging a frat until you ask me what pledging is like.
D. What’s pledging like? Dude, you don’t even fucking know.
E. You do know? Well, I’ll just widen my eyes more and more, so that you have no choice to believe that what I am doing is superior to what you are doing.
F. I’ve said about 25 words during all of pledge, because I am beyond terrified of that senior who spits dip at peoples faces. But I will conveniently leave out that part.
2. The 1.4 GPA
True story. Freshman year Christmas break, I walked into a friend's house that filled with the sorts of Bros I’d hang out with in high school due to the fact that I, like them, shared similar male interests such as sports, pretending not to try too hard in classes, and lamenting about wanting to “get the fuck out” of our decidedly comfortable upper-middle class suburb. So I walk into this room of wannabe burnouts, do the good-old high-five routine, and rehash the few jokes that had eventually became the primary basis of our declining frienships. The usual shit. But then I get to greeting “Jared,” and before I can do anything, he proudly states the following:
“I got a 1.4.”
Suffice to say he did not stay at that school very long after that. Every friend group has a 1.4, and it’s up to the rest of you to embrace his almost refreshing sense of not giving much of a shit. Strangely, he seems to have something figured out that you don’t.
3. Straight Edge → Extremely Blurry Edge
The kid that didn’t really drink in high school, citing devil parents, resume fear, or some sort of strange innocence preservation. On the third night of college, he was found passed out on the out-of-the-way dorm room steps, smiling giddily in his own pool of vomit. Though if you think that a near-death experience would stop someone who has just discovered the glory that is drinking alcohol, think again.
When he’s not effortlessly chugging handles of Burnetts, he’s stumbling around campus, telling anyone who will listen that alcohol is the best, and why the fuck didn’t he do this in high school. It's adorable.
4. Greater Than
People drink at your school? People drink more at his. You play pong this way? People at his school play the better, more impressive version.
It’s tough attending a school that’s head and shoulders above everyone elses in all possible categories, but such is the tragedy of Greater Than. Only he and his unfathomable dominance of all that is everything ever is capable enough to handle such unvarnished awesomeness.
5. Whipped Wally
He never had a girlfriend in high school, primarily because he was disturbingly obsessed with trying to have a girlfriend in high school. To his pleasant surprise, he just so happened to meet the female equivalent of himself on the second day of school. She even lives on his floor. It’s so perfect. Nobody agrees.
How many texts saying “I misssss youu babe (insert 40 different colored heart emojis) can you text in one hour? Whatever the amount, he’s threatening the record.