Last week, we brought you the 10 Girls You'll Meet at every Post-College Bar. As a tribute to Title IX, we decided it fitting to follow up with a version for our fellow Bro-types.
Just to refresh, below is the definition for a post-college bar:
Post-College Bar (n): A late-night establishment located in a major city, where 21-24 year olds congregate and do the exact same thing they did two years ago, except that now there’s a few people who don’t charge everything to their parents’ card.
Note: Out of respect for the Brommunity, the article is titled "dudes" for a reason. All Bros may be dudes, but all dudes are not Bros:
1. The Irrational Confidence Guy
Sportswriter Bill Simmons defines the "irrational confidence guy" as “the guy who isn't one of the team's best players, but he'll have stretches in which he THINKS he is.” While he’s mostly referring to Jamal Crawford-esque ball hogs, the concept is highly applicable in the post collegiate bar scene.
The classic “irrational confidence guy” will have graduated from a mid-tier school, have a modest salary, and look exactly “Glenn,” the every-man from those Starbucks commercials a few years back. Yet, by combining all of his astonishingly average traits, he will at times morph into a temporary playa, wooing girls with his somewhat funny jokes, his semi-respectable car, and his somewhat put-together outfit. While his mediocrity will eventually catch up to him in due course, this species will consistently ride his irrational confidence wave to a respectable amount of one-night stands.
2. Shawn Kemp:
There aren't many things more depressing than a frat-star past his prime.
No longer able to skate by on his looks (his cute beer pouch has now turned into a full-on gut) or prestige (his Psi U Presidency has now been replaced by a very ‘meh’ ad sales job), Kemp will slowly realize that he no longer has what it takes to be an all-star.
He’ll likely then compensate by settling down to a degree, appearing at bars with a now-girlfriend who he’d never so much as glance at during his college days. The backwards hat is now replaced by a slowly thinning hairline, which is only exacerbated by his sudden interest in books.
3. “I’ll Text Him”
This is the kid who for whatever reason, thinks he attains some sort of group superiority by being in contact with a friend not currently out with them. "I'll text him" consistently takes it upon himself to give the group updates as to what that particular friend is doing that night, although half the group already knows because they’re actually better friends with him.
Therefore, the fact that “he just got back from the gym, though he’s gonna let me know if he wants to meet up” couldn’t be less interesting.
4. Stevey Shots
What he lacks in a long life expectancy and text messages that include lowercase words, Stevey Shots more than makes up for in his quest to one day rack up the highest bar total in the history of 23 year olds. High-powered is his only setting, often to a fault.
One of the primary reasons Stevey became an I-Banker was so that girls who were 2-3 years younger than him would know that he’s an I-Banker. This is why Stevey always wears some resemblance of a "straight from work’ outfit," despite often having gone home beforehand for a quick power-nap.
During one of his many trips to the bar, Stevey will often catch the attention of a girl by spilling a miniscule amount of liquor relatively near her. Initially annoyed by the fact someone would dare try to catch her attention at a place where single people go so they can eventually have sex with other single people, she’ll change her tone considerably once noticing his purposefully-positioned watch:
Stevey Shots: Oh shit, I’m so sorry. Can I...
Husband Hunter: No th--wow, is that your watch?
Stevey Shots: Yea. I mean its a little over the top, I know, but had to get it for work.
Husband Hunter: (excitedly anticipating the moment of truth) Where do you work?
Stevey: Credit Suisse? It’s a...
5. Recession-Minded Ralph
Angry that the world has decided that it’s not really necessary for him to have disposable income--and too dickishly proud to accept the fact that its ok to get a little bit of help from your parents at this life stage--Ralph often approaches going out with more fear than he does excitement. He believes that covers are the root of all evil, and will spend a decent portion of the night mystified that a bar could charge $8 for five drops of SoCo. His frustration is eased in part by the fact that the one kid who has a serious girlfriend is vigorously nodding his head in agreement, though he’s only really doing that because he wants to look like he’s actually doing something, and is too afraid to talk to anyone out of fear of retribution from his wifey.