College
by Lance Pauker on November 1, 2012

1. The Storm Before the Storm

For relationships that are teetering slowly towards the edge, date functions are remarkably similar to a gas leak. One wrong move, and you’ve got the perfect recipe for an explosion of epic proportions.

Arguments you’ve been dutifully avoiding will pour out with the fury of 15 vodka sodas. The next day text flood will be just as much an adventure than the night before, and it’s only a matter of time until the tumultuous sequence of events results in being donezo. You may have to endure a thinly-veiled Facebook status or two, but ultimately the formal will serve as a necessary catalyst for the inevitable. 

2. The Match-Made Cuddlers

The story goes something like this–the girl “Brandon” spent the whole semester trying to corral has predictably decided that she’d rather not have to dress up and make it seem like she’s actually into him in any way other than a last resort.

Dateless and dejected, his roommate Bro with a girlfriend will come to the rescue, being all like “well Heather’s roommate is pretty hot, and since she’s a year younger I’m sure she’d love to go!” “Brandon” will at first put up a slight fight out of sheer self-respect, but then ultimately give in because doing zero work to land a decently attractive girl that’ll likely hook up with you is like refusing to eat the fettuccine alfredo at a respectable Italian restaurant, when in fact there are entire continents that are starving.

The dinner will be awkward. So will the first few drinks. Then it won’t be. Then it really won’t be. Then you’ll pass out, arms cuddled together right next to the hotel toilet.

Then, it will be awkward forever.

3. Mr and Mrs. Jay Baruchel

He has no problem pulling off boat shoes, but doesn’t totally fill out that J Crew pullover. He’s an accounting major with a 3.4 GPA, he’s in a band but it’ll never go anywhere, and he once ended up in the hospital for taking SoCo to the face. On the bell curve of college exceptionalism, he is exactly the mean.

Yet he consistently pulls in the hottest girls, date function after date function, and girls will tell you that he’s “just boring enough.” Twisted, yet utterly brilliant logic.

4. The Great Friendzone Escape

You guys went “just as friends.” Except that she is in college, is now drunk, and is surrounded by a bunch of oggle-happy hormones posing as males. 

You’re walking home alone, and someone may have just gotten cheated on.

5. The Boring Senior Couple

You have it so together, that this shit is just way above you. Which of course, has you both second-guessing how the fuck you got this way.

Are you really that old? Did you just let life pass you by, forgetting to siphon out those last vestiges of zero responsibility? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a girl who’s seriously considering becoming a vegan? 

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6. The Highlight Reel

The best part of every formal. Usually an underclassmen couple–highlighted by a girl that HAS to be a freshman–they’ll have popped quite a few bottles and/or other shit prior to arrival.

Cycloning all across the dance floor at the ripe hour of 9 15 PM, it’s almost a guarantee they’ve shattered the previous fraternity record of “most eyebrows raised this early in the night.” They’ll round the bases at an alarming speed, but will (hopefully) be kicked out and/or stopped from performing too much of a show. 

For this reason alone, everyone will be constantly refreshing their feeds in glorious anticipation for the next-day pic damage. 

7. Brian Griffin

Why have a date when you could just shit on the state of the human race, and then get sloshed enough to make creepily continuous rounds onto the dance floor, desperately trying to catch the eye of anything that resembles someone with 2 X Chromosomes?

8. The Adorable Virgins

Her ID somehow worked, and she’ll spend the whole night squeaking about her triumph. He’ll put way too much pressure on himself, despite the horrendously cheesy ABC Family-esque pep talk from an older Brother telling him to “just be himself.”

They’ll have a good time at the venue, but will increasingly dread the afterhours. It’s not a big deal, but some reason it’s become a huge one. Hyperventilation is near.

9. There Is Something Wrong with This Picture

The opposite of “Jay Baruchel,” except that this Channing Tatum look alike can’t snag a gem if it locked the door and threw herself on the bed. We’re not exactly sure what’s quite wrong with him–or his attractiveness metric–but its recklessly moving towards what will have to be an intervention.

10. Mr. Less Aggressive Man, and Psycho Bitch

Think Ned Schneebly and Sarah Silverman in School of Rock (Somehow, there is no clip of this)

Unlike our previous friend, the deficiencies here are rather clear–not that he sucks, he just struggles when it comes to doing basic male shit like standing up for yourself. If someone relatively attractive wants to have sex with him on a consistent basis, he’ll take it–no matter how horrifying the everyday consequences may be.

She’ll be on full display during any public function, likely trying her best to completely alienate Mr. Less Aggressive Man from the group of guys that used to be his friends. She's a manipulative monster who knows no bounds, and it’s just a really sad sight.

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