Ah, the collegiate date function. A place where the harsh realities of sobriety are wonderfully disrespected, making the fulfillment or decimation of dreams a terrifically streamlined process. Here are the cast of characters that make every formal event remarkably unforgettable.
1. The Storm Before the Storm
For relationships that are teetering slowly towards the edge, date functions are remarkably similar to a gas leak. One wrong move, and you’ve got the perfect recipe for an explosion of epic proportions.
Arguments you’ve been dutifully avoiding will pour out with the fury of 15 vodka sodas. The next day text flood will be just as much an adventure than the night before, and it’s only a matter of time until the tumultuous sequence of events results in being donezo. You may have to endure a thinly-veiled Facebook status or two, but ultimately the formal will serve as a necessary catalyst for the inevitable.
2. The Match-Made Cuddlers
The story goes something like this--the girl “Brandon” spent the whole semester trying to corral has predictably decided that she’d rather not have to dress up and make it seem like she’s actually into him in any way other than a last resort.
Dateless and dejected, his roommate Bro with a girlfriend will come to the rescue, being all like “well Heather’s roommate is pretty hot, and since she’s a year younger I’m sure she’d love to go!” “Brandon” will at first put up a slight fight out of sheer self-respect, but then ultimately give in because doing zero work to land a decently attractive girl that’ll likely hook up with you is like refusing to eat the fettuccine alfredo at a respectable Italian restaurant, when in fact there are entire continents that are starving.
The dinner will be awkward. So will the first few drinks. Then it won’t be. Then it really won’t be. Then you’ll pass out, arms cuddled together right next to the hotel toilet.
Then, it will be awkward forever.
3. Mr and Mrs. Jay Baruchel
He has no problem pulling off boat shoes, but doesn’t totally fill out that J Crew pullover. He’s an accounting major with a 3.4 GPA, he’s in a band but it’ll never go anywhere, and he once ended up in the hospital for taking SoCo to the face. On the bell curve of college exceptionalism, he is exactly the mean.
Yet he consistently pulls in the hottest girls, date function after date function, and girls will tell you that he’s “just boring enough.” Twisted, yet utterly brilliant logic.
4. The Great Friendzone Escape
You guys went “just as friends.” Except that she is in college, is now drunk, and is surrounded by a bunch of oggle-happy hormones posing as males.
You’re walking home alone, and someone may have just gotten cheated on.
5. The Boring Senior Couple
You have it so together, that this shit is just way above you. Which of course, has you both second-guessing how the fuck you got this way.
Are you really that old? Did you just let life pass you by, forgetting to siphon out those last vestiges of zero responsibility? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a girl who’s seriously considering becoming a vegan?