1. Handle of Shitty Vodka
The handle will likely define your Freshman year drinking experience, particularly when it comes to pregaming.
Even if you’re NOT the biggest fan of Burnett’s Blueberry, Frosh alcohol acquisition is all about making sacrifices. (I.e., you’re dependent on someone’s superior fake, the alc has to fit in your backpack, or you need something to get the girls to pregame with you.) The latter of course, is so that said girls can take the sorts group pictures otherwise only taken in lavish clubs, right in your dorm room.
This tried and true handle formula, which I can only assume has been around for hundreds of underage drinking years, will fuel weekend after weekend of “get hammered now, find a decent party (there BETTER be one, this is fucking college we’re talking about) later.
That is, until your finally push the envelope too far, vomit on yourself to the point of strongly resembling Muk the Pokemon, and swear off Burnetts Blueberry
forever until next weekend.
2. Monster Energy
My fraternity was sponsored by Monster. Sophomore year, we decided to get all the Monster (and I mean ALL the Monster) delivered to the apartment I was living in.
The lesson here if that is you want to spend an ungodly amount of nights in the library at 5AM, unable to finish your paper because you’re pretty sure you’re about to die of a heart attack at age 19, don’t have all the Monster.
3. Sake Bombs
- One Sake Bomb In: You’ll awkwardly pound the table, sort of just waiting there for things to get good
- Four Sake Bombs In: Feeling it, you’ll make a toast. It’s almost awesome, but just not quite there.
- Eight Sake Bombs In: Toast perfected. They really should just make you President of the World at this point. You RUN shit
- Twelve Sake Bombs In: Conversation about life with intellectual equivalent. Here is where you truly believe there is not one thing in the world you won’t be able to accomplish as long as you make enough exagerrated hand motions.
- Fifteen Sake Bombs In: Ex-Girlfriend rant, followed by ear-curdling rendition of the Calling’s “Wherever You Will Go.”
4. Idiot Start-Up Fruit Drink Sold at School Coffee Shop Solely Out of Pity:
At every college, there exists a faction of people who believe they can make zillions and zillions of dollars creating some overpriced, formulaic, and terrible tasting supplement whose one catch is that it’s more healthy and pure than Simba was before Scar killed Mufasa. It’ll likely get by for 12-18 months on witty phrasing, support from the local collegiate establishments, and the fact that they had this really sick launch party where you managed to hook up with this really cute girl, thus making you feel obligated to drink it.
5. Random Drink at Party/Bar
We’ve all seen them. The wounded soldier, sitting innocuously on top of the ledge with the eyes of a stray puppy. How can you just leave it there? It needs you. You’re doing a good deed. Really.
*Note: This is not advice you should follow. I’m long overdue for getting rufied.
6. Natty Light/Keystone/Busch
Every Ari was once a Lloyd. During your formative years of eating chicken wings for breakfast, you are simply not qualified to be consistently handling more advanced clients.
Having a job has a taught me that unless you want to channel the essence of Stan before he discovered Corona light, sleep is for the weak. Therefore, if you’re like me and need to binge watch “Undeclared” (new, AWESOME addition to Netflix Instant) and not lose your job at the same time, coffee is a must.
Perhaps more importantly, drinking coffee is kind of like making money–the more money one makes, the more opportunities one is afforded to make money OFF of that money. Similarly, the more coffee a person drinks, the more coffee they drink as a result of that coffee. You're welcome, justifying an addiction 101.
8. Mystery Concoction
It’s no secret that the college educated job-market is dangerously moving towards a twisted form of white-collar indentured servitude, where many bypass low or no-paying jobs for graduate degrees they may or may not actually want, only to find themselves presented with similar employment strugs a few years later. Becoming a bartender, then, is suddenly not only an acceptable stint for college educated folk, but one that actually adheres to our generational narrative of “making something out of ourselves.”
Given this reality, you or a good friend will likely dabble in the alcohol artistry. With as little as weird fruit juice powder, a carbonated beverage, and a bottle of SoCo, it’s almost guaranteed that someone in the room will have the necessary skill set to whip up one of those glorious “holy shit how is there alcohol in this…woah is there alcohol in this” future blackout inducers.
9. Protein Shake
Those giant jars of Whey protein taking up all the space on top of the fridge aren’t just there for show. They’re there for the sixth months where you suddenly get ridiculously into working out, likely as a result of some girl dumping you. The gym has always worked in phases, and the “I’m gonna get huge like that Aryan kid in my frat” phase brings with it pounds and pounds of protein. Raw eggs if you’re that serious, but likely pushing it.
Once, after a particularly intense game of “slap the bag,” I spent a night rolling–literally, the act of getting on the ground and rotating like one of those pinwheels used to flatten cookie dough–across a bridge. This was followed by giving people highly unstable piggybacks for about an hour.
While this whole sequence of events sounds remarkably similar to a 13 year old having the time of his life watching Nick Jr. and playing Pop-O-Matic Trouble, this is the power of Franzia Ferdinand. Like your friend from out of town who doesn’t totally have his life together, he more than makes up for his shortcomings in other ways. Mainly, by having the remarkable ability to turn anything and everything into the dopest event of all-time. An alcohol alchemist, if you will.
I want more like this!
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