If liquids are the elixir of life, these liquids are the elixir of leading the sort of lifestyle that's directly responsible for an obscene number of unsuccessful, annoyingly stale parody twitter accounts. Cheers, dawg:
1. Handle of Shitty Vodka
The handle will likely define your Freshman year drinking experience, particularly when it comes to pregaming.
Even if you’re NOT the biggest fan of Burnett’s Blueberry, Frosh alcohol acquisition is all about making sacrifices. (I.e., you’re dependent on someone’s superior fake, the alc has to fit in your backpack, or you need something to get the girls to pregame with you.) The latter of course, is so that said girls can take the sorts group pictures otherwise only taken in lavish clubs, right in your dorm room.
This tried and true handle formula, which I can only assume has been around for hundreds of underage drinking years, will fuel weekend after weekend of “get hammered now, find a decent party (there BETTER be one, this is fucking college we’re talking about) later.
That is, until your finally push the envelope too far, vomit on yourself to the point of strongly resembling Muk the Pokemon, and swear off Burnetts Blueberry
forever until next weekend.
2. Monster Energy
My fraternity was sponsored by Monster. Sophomore year, we decided to get all the Monster (and I mean ALL the Monster) delivered to the apartment I was living in.
The lesson here if that is you want to spend an ungodly amount of nights in the library at 5AM, unable to finish your paper because you’re pretty sure you’re about to die of a heart attack at age 19, don’t have all the Monster.
3. Sake Bombs
- One Sake Bomb In: You’ll awkwardly pound the table, sort of just waiting there for things to get good
- Four Sake Bombs In: Feeling it, you’ll make a toast. It’s almost awesome, but just not quite there.
- Eight Sake Bombs In: Toast perfected. They really should just make you President of the World at this point. You RUN shit
- Twelve Sake Bombs In: Conversation about life with intellectual equivalent. Here is where you truly believe there is not one thing in the world you won’t be able to accomplish as long as you make enough exagerrated hand motions.
- Fifteen Sake Bombs In: Ex-Girlfriend rant, followed by ear-curdling rendition of the Calling’s “Wherever You Will Go.”
4. Idiot Start-Up Fruit Drink Sold at School Coffee Shop Solely Out of Pity:
At every college, there exists a faction of people who believe they can make zillions and zillions of dollars creating some overpriced, formulaic, and terrible tasting supplement whose one catch is that it’s more healthy and pure than Simba was before Scar killed Mufasa. It’ll likely get by for 12-18 months on witty phrasing, support from the local collegiate establishments, and the fact that they had this really sick launch party where you managed to hook up with this really cute girl, thus making you feel obligated to drink it.
5. Random Drink at Party/Bar
We’ve all seen them. The wounded soldier, sitting innocuously on top of the ledge with the eyes of a stray puppy. How can you just leave it there? It needs you. You’re doing a good deed. Really.
*Note: This is not advice you should follow. I’m long overdue for getting rufied.