College
by Lance Pauker on June 19, 2012

The hometown excursion is not only a necessary component of establishing true collegiate Bro-hood, but if done right, it’s a tremendous way to one-up everybody in your inner circle. With that in mind, here’s a few important points to consider:

Aim Low

It’s best to paint a picture predicated on suburban nothingness, where the most exciting occurrence is the weekly shotgunning contest behind the Starbucks parking lot. The lower your friend’s expectations of doing something remotely fun, the better.

Emphasizing that everyone in your town listens to bands like “Brand New” and “Say Anything” is always a plus, as it will lead visitors to believe that your high school years were an endless pit of forced emo despair and doom. The disgust towards the social landscape of your hometown must be unwavering; this can be accomplished by frequently repeating the phrase “You have no idea how badly I needed to get out of this f*cking bubble.”

Don’t Be The Captain

Wearing the “C” for evening plans is always highly desirable, especially when trying to impress a visitor. Successfully orchestrating a mini-rager in honor of your college roommate will earn you the always enviable “running this sh*t” status, which works nicely on a few levels. Your college friend will be appeased, girls will love you for giving them a place to sip alcohol and talk in a semi-circle, and your high school friends will at some point owe you one.

In this case however–especially if the visit occurs during the pre-21 years–the risk often outweighs the reward. There’s a good chance half of your buddies are spending the summer elsewhere, and another third are likely either working and/or oddly unreachable. The remaining portion may be down to party, but is this really the group of people you want to show off? Will the logistics prove to be too difficult? Are you trying so hard to make this happen that your vehemence is scaring away the rest of the crowd?

Failure here will likely indicate that you’re just a bunch of empty hype. Not a bad quality to have if you’re an aspiring telemarketer, but otherwise pretty terrible. 

Hype Up Food

The party may fall through, the ID may get taken away, and a torrential downpour may crush all hopes for a pickup football game. Yet no matter how catastrophic the social schedule may end up, there’s always the “best burrito you’ll ever have, hands down.”

If you hype it up enough–and if you conveniently aren’t hungry until your visitor is on the verge of dying from starvation–you’ve successfully created a foolproof meal of legends. The lameness of your town may be undeniable, but so is the clutchness of a phenomenal lunch spot.

Talk A Lot About College In Front Of High School Friends

When bringing your college homie to a casual game of garage-pong, it’s crucial that you and your college Bro give off an air of mysterious exclusivity. The best case scenario is to team up, dominate pong in vintage Sullivan 3 fashion, and use every opportunity to reference something that happened during the collegiate year. The more unrelatable to the rest of the group, the better.

Successful implementation of this tactic will leave your friends no choice but to acknowledge that you’re tearing it up on campus, that there’s a much cooler side of you that they've never seen, and that you may have actually gotten some while away.

Note: Proceed with caution if a friend from home attends the same school as you

Maximize the Effectiveness of the Mutual Friend Game

Given that half the people at half of America’s colleges seemingly attended the same Jewish Summer Camp, it’s almost guaranteed that your friend from home will have 4-8 people in common with your friend from school. The mutual friend game could get pretty dicey at times, so third-party moderation is often necessary to ensure everything runs smoothly:

  • Generally, both parties will know each other from casual facebooking, which means they’re also aware which mutual friends that will probably be brought up, which means they have likely prepared their reactions. Use this to your advantage, especially if there are differing opinions regarding this friend.
  • I.e., the person with the negative opinion should never be put in a position to explain himself, unless of course he sucks, and it’d be good for him to squirm a bit.
  • Make sure to always exaggerate your relationship with the mutual friend. If he’s an acquaintance, he’s suddenly a good friend. Use the one time you’ve hung out with this person to prove this, but make it seem Bro-seshing with this person is a common occurrence.

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