College
by Steve Coulter on January 17, 2014

It’s a question that still eludes me, even though I’ve had great experiences Europe and abroad.

Even more perplexing is why thousands and thousands of drunken teenagers and twenty-somethings leave our nation’s borders each year when spring break rolls around on the calendar.

This is a week that’s supposed to be all about relaxation and drinking on the beach – not about flying to a place where nobody speaks English and where everybody wants to rob you because of your skin color.

Obviously, a majority of spring breaks – domestic or international – are successful and fun; otherwise this wouldn’t be such a well-known tradition.

However, there are a lot less risks staying at home, such as avoiding food poisoning in the Caribbean or Central America. I don’t know about you, but spending the week in a Panamanian hospital isn’t something I plan on doing in my lifetime, and it’s certainly not something I’d risk spending $1,000 on.

Costs aside, here are ten reasons why you should stay in the USA this spring break:

Foreign authorities*

Notice the asterisk here: some foreign countries aren’t even run by police, they’re run by criminal enterprises, like drug lords, that you should have absolutely no desire to interact with in your lifetime.

If you wind up too drunk or seeking out the wrong drug to give you a boost, it could not only ruin a trip, it could prove to be fatal. I don’t want to exaggerate here because anything can happen anywhere, but I like my odds for survival in an American prison a lot more than a Mexican one.

Just a few questions to remind you why you should always be in control when in a foreign country: If the worst case situation happens and you end up in jail, how are you getting bailed out? How are you going to communicate with the police? Who’s going to defend you? Do you know anything about their laws? Will you ever be able to return home to America?

If you can answer all of those questions, by all means: go abroad and get reckless as all hell. If not, I’d stay home where American police can protect you – for the most part – from criminals and American lawyers can clean up your mess if you fuck up.

Culture

Learning, or at least trying to learn, about another culture is overrated and, more importantly, impossible to do on spring break. From the minute you step off the plane in a Central American or Caribbean country, you will be a target and that comes with inherent danger, especially if you have a tough guy in your group who is prone to fight at the drop of a thimble.

A rule of thumb is to avoid all confrontation during spring break, but in a foreign land you might not have a choice: its fight back or lose your money, license/passport and phone. Tell me, how the hell are you going to get home if this happens?

Water

Give me an American pool over a foreign pool every day of the week. Similarly, give me American tap water over foreign tap water every day of the year.

I don’t care how nice Caribbean beaches may look; Florida’s beaches are just as nice. There are also some in California, some parts of Texas and most parts of the south that are worth considering. If you’re not a water person, there’s always…

Skiing, slots and stocks

Not every spring break has to feature water or a resort. Sure, that’s where you can find the hottest chicks, wearing the skimpiest of bathing suits and whoring out an unprecedented rate, but that doesn’t mean you’re limited to one option. Are you kidding? This is America – the land of (endless) opportunity.

Have you ever gone to Colorado or Utah to ski and snowboard for the week? I’m sure the slopes will be open. How about Las Vegas to bet on the NCAA men’s basketball tournament? The greatest sports gambling rush one can ever attain. If that doesn’t excite you, isn’t New York City still the greatest city in the world? I know the Big Apple isn’t Cancun, but it’s still a travel destination with no shortage of people and nightly debauchery.

Crowds

Sure, places like Florida and Puerto Rico draw a lot of crowds at this time of the year, but they’re not overcrowded to the point where you don’t know where you’ll be staying if shit hits the fan. I remember reading a story a year ago about two groups of friends flying down to an island in Mexico only to find the hotel had double booked their room and couldn’t find them another one. They had to go back to mainland Mexico and stay in a shit box for a few days before they called it a trip and went home.

Remember, this is supposed to be a vacation, not a nightmare.

Women

They’re going to look just as attractive stateside as they do in the Caribbean, trust me. With all the risks and reasons we’ve already compiled, why would you have any desire to check out what the Bahamas has to offer when you know it’s not going to be any different in Florida?  By all means though, go ahead and see for yourself.

I’m positive America will not be short on drunk, white women this spring break season, or any season for that matter. Your odds of scoring with a random chick from another school are just as good, if not better, here as they are in some foreign land.

Transportation

Anyone with experience in the Caribbean knows taxi drivers there drive with no regard for human life. More importantly, they’re not reliable in a pinch, and are guaranteed to overcharge you – drunk or sober. Say what you will about the immigrants who drive our yellow cars here, but they’re consistent and always available to bail you out, even in the direst situation.

Hospitality

This goes off the whole cultural, language barrier thing – you’re simply not going to get the same treatment abroad as you would at home. Why? Because you’re a college drunkard who foreigners know has come to their resort to lay siege upon it and eventually destroy it. They’ve cleaned up messes created by bros before your time and they’re expectations are already at floor level. They think of you as scum of the earth and there is nothing you can do to change their mind.

Sex

I get it, you think by making the long haul down to some foreign island that the girls will be impressed and turned on by your outgoing and risk-taking nature. It’s really sound logic because chances are they will be hornier than ever before and you can get laid constantly, which is the reason bros everywhere go on spring break in the first place. 

However, you’re going to spend most of the time there getting belligerently wasted and won’t even know how to use your dick by the time night rolls around. Go for it though; sloppy, drunk sex is the best kind of sex and totally worth an eight hour plan ride each way when you can stay in America and get fucked just as easily.

50 states…

If you can’t find something fun and relaxing to do in one of them, then get the hell out. America is superior to the rest of the world because it offers the most variety, something I already touched on in No. 4, and endless amounts of other freedoms other countries restrict. Is there a better place in the world? No. So why are you trying to leave it so badly during your only week off this semester?

Because the weather’s nice? Because there’s more to do abroad? Because the drinks are cheaper?

Please, those are the worst excuses ever, not to mention pretty damn un-American. What can you there that you can’t do here? I’m listening…

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