College
by Rebecca Martinson on September 4, 2013

1. I'm Going to be a Functional Drunk!

Now feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but at least in my group of friends, no one starts the night out by saying “I'm going to drink to the point where I puke up the Chipotle I ate earlier and make all of my housemates regret living with me”. Guys, of course, are different. But not by much. The mentality is more along the lines of “I'm probably going to black out and that's okay”, but unless it's a 21st birthday most people don't plop themselves down with a handle of Bacardi and start chugging 5 minutes into a pregame. At this beginning point in the night, the goal is to be drunk, be happy, but be functional. Functional means being drunk enough that you're down to have a one night stand, but aware enough to differentiate between who resembles Miranda Kerr and who looks like Chaz Bono since no one likes being referred to as “Ishmael” the morning after you accidentally went whale hunting.  Most people attempt to achieve this zen-like drunk state by pregaming with beer or mixed drinks, which is lame and makes me look like a psychotic alcoholic when I pull out my ever-classy bottle of Burnett's with a shot glass. But we're getting there.

2. This Isn't Working. 

….aaaaanndd we're there. You've been pregaming for 30 minutes now and you don't have a buzz. In other words, you've been wasting the precious time you have before you go out on the town and immediately become ambushed with a population that is 100% more drunk than you. Let's be honest here, who likes to be the only sober person standing around people that are trashed? No one that's who. This is when you say to yourself “Oh shit this isn't working” and pull out a shot glass and a handle of Zelko/Burnett's/Kentucky Gentleman/horse piss. In the limited time you have left you'll probably get maybe 5 shots down maximum, but maybe I'm just a pussy and everyone who reads Brobible drinks like a fish and pounds 15 down in 30 minutes flat. Whatever floats your boats guys, this isn't a pissing contest over who can spend the most time throwing up and wishing they were dead the morning after. There is also a very likely chance that you'll chase your shots with the beer you were drinking before, since I've yet to find a house where anyone actually planned far enough ahead to buy orange juice or something. Nothing wrong with this of course, it just helps you get to the point where…..

3. You're Finally Drunk

You know that movie The Perfect Storm where George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg are bumfuck fishermen and they get their shit shoveled in by a freak hurricane thing? Well right before they get their drown on they catch a fuckload of fish and they're partying and being all “Whoo hoo fish!” on the boat. This is essentially you. You're drunk! Hooray! You realize that you've finally hit that point and you've quit the shots and moved onto exclusively either tame mixed drinks or beer in an effort to keep your drunk going on a nice little plateau rather than sloping up into…whatever something like that would slope into. I only made it as far as precalc, I can't do these math metaphors. But hold on a second, let's kick into reverse here. Remember I said this is the calm before the storm? And how I talked about a fairly obscure movie that no one really watched? Well the storm's about to hit and your shit's about to get wrecked (puns!).

4. I Have a Vague Understanding of What's Going on but Not Really

This is the point in the night where if you were to play your memory like a movie, it would skip hour-long chunks and giant important plot points would be left out. You know that Sid punched you in the face and it hurts like a bitch, but did he do it because you dared him to or because you called him a poop ladle and punched him first? You have this image of barfing in a patch of grass somewhere, but was it in a back yard or were you classy little motherfucker and just puked next to a sidewalk? This is all how you recall it the morning after, but while it's happening the only semi-functional thought you have going on is along the lines of “Aw fuck I'm too drunk”. There's a more than likely chance you barf, send some texts you don't mean and wish you hadn't the morning after, and alienate every girl you don't know in your immediate vicinity at this point in the night.

5. And Now You're Blacked Out

There's really not much I can say here since no one has any recollection of what goes on at this point in the night aside from the clues they leave themselves and what friends tell them in the morning. I've woken up with giant bundles of “Happy Birthday” balloons in my room and I've woken up wearing a trash bag and gym shorts when I most certainly did not wear that lovely outfit out that night. I've been attacked by people wielding lamps when they were blacked out and I've had friends wake up 45 minutes away in a town they've never been to on a couch they've never slept on with a guy they don't remember meeting. If you're the adventurous type this is really just creative game as to how many ways to make you question your drinking habits your booze-addled mind will come up with in the form of self-made surprises the morning after. Realistically, as long as you're not dead, maimed, or in jail and haven't assaulted anyone, it really can't be that bad aside from sticking your head out the passenger window of a moving vehicle and spewing barf all along the side of the sober driver's car as a classy “Thanks for driving me mister!”. Or you could just be traditional and wake up in a ditch somewhere. To each his own.

Drunk Bro pic via Shutterstock