College
by Aristotle Georgeson on August 10, 2012

No sorority wants to let one slip through the cracks; full on “bitch” security is enforced. Fake smiles, fake hugs, fake happy voices and fake tans falsely welcome all, but are meant for few. It is seemingly one week dedicated to nicely telling fat chicks NO (behind their backs of course) and shrouding their actual behavior. If sororities wanted to give girls a taste of the real sorority life, rush week would look like this:

Day 1 — 9 a.m.: Rushees arrive at a house full of girls passed out from an intense night of partying. House Mom tells group to come back at noon.
Noon: Girls come back to the same house of passed out girls, none of which who have awoken. House Mom says come back at 4.
4PM: Girls come back to the house, some of the sisters are now awake, wearing old date function T-shirts, pants that say Juicy and Ugg Boots. All the sisters agree that day one doesn’t really matter and that rushees, well, they’ll see enough rushees tomorrow.

Day 2 — 9 a.m.: Rushees arrive at a different house with 2 awake and spry sisters. The 2 sisters explain that everyone was “studying” so hard last night that they needed “extra sleep.” They give the potential new sisters a basic rundown of how they do Greek Life and tell the new girls that they hope to see them again! It is a poor display of sorority spirit to say the least.

Day 3 — 9 a.m.: Rushees arrive at another house to find all the sisters awake and again wearing worn out date function T-Shirts, pants that say Juicy and Ugg Boots, very similar to what they saw the sisters of the other house wearing on Monday. Caught by total surprise after an all night Adderall binge in attempt to prepare for the week, the sisters tell the girls that they’re almost ready for rush week on this, the third day of rush week.

Day 4 (Preference Day) — 9 a.m.: Rushees arrive at yet another house, this time they find a well dressed seemingly rested group of friendly girls. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re good enough because that’s the typical mentality of today’s entitled generation. The rushees are impressed by the display but not by the really nice ugly girls. After 4 days of walking aimlessly with tour guides and no real grasp on what a sorority is, the rushees decide what sorority they would like to be a part of  (based mostly on looks at this point) and they enter their decision in a computer database.

Day 5 (Bid Day): After hours of drinking wine and making fun of the ugly girls on a projector in the chapter room, the sisters of each sorority decide who they want to be a part of their awesome organization (based mostly on who will attract the most dick). Bids are then placed and the rushees accept or decline based on their rush experience.

I feel bad for all parties involved in sorority rush week, both the rushees and the sisters. I feel bad for the rushees because of the scrutiny they’re under by rich, white girls and I feel bad for the sisters of the sorority because they have to pretend to be nice. Part of me also feels bad for bashing this important Panhellenic tradition; but in the end it doesn’t matter, because after those “annoying” 5 days, daddy will buy them more happiness and they can go back to drinking wine every day for the rest of the semester!

Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who wants you to to get in the sorority (girl) of your dreams. You can follow him on Twitter @sToTle.