Anyways, one of the events everyone would always get giddy and pumped up for would the semi-formal and formal, which I shouldn't have to explain, but I know that some people are reading this just for the sake of reading whatever incoherent blatherings I feel like going on about. It's basically when an entire sorority rents out a bar/nightclub and has a giant dance. Imagine your high school homecoming, but drunker and with no chaperones, along with the high probability that someone will have bathroom sex and someone else will be cited for public intoxication because they were so drunk they peed in some back alley. (Bathrooms are soo NF.) The only thing keeping the entire place from being trashed is that the bouncers will kick you out if you're too belligerent, or in my case they won't even let you in because you're so drunk you face plant into concrete while attempting to walk a straight line to hand them your ID.
Lesson learned: if you can't wear a pair of heels sober, you sure as shit can't wear them drunk.
One of the biggest “Oh Em Gee Guys” parts of formals is, of course, asking a guy to go with you. A guy can't exactly invite himself to your dance, because, well, that's not normal, and so it's that whole Sadie Hawkins sort of thing where girls are basically forced to ask guys.
And it gets blown up to be a bigger deal than it really is. Every. Fucking. Time.
Look, unless your name is Bertha and you weigh 600 pounds, not including the one pound mass of Amazonian crotch jungle you have between your legs, no guy is going to say “No” to the prospect of spending an evening with a bunch of drunk chicks, so don't be afraid of getting turned down. Really, the worst he can possibly do is say “No.” That's it. It's not like he's going to sodomize you with a pineapple and then call you fat as he walks away. People get so wrapped up with who they're going to ask that they completely forget whether or not they should be asking this kid in the first place. Obviously if you have a boyfriend then bring him. That's a “duh” by default.
But look, if you're deciding between the really hot guy who has no social skills whatsoever, or the not-as-hot-but-moderately-attractive-enough-that-you'd-be-okay-with-giving-him-a-handy-in-the-bathroom guy who rages face, this shouldn't be a tough decision. You want your date to be FUN, not a natural born self-cockblock who happens to have the face of Zac Efron. Also, if you LIKE a guy then ASK HIM. Jesus H Christ if you like somebody then go get it. Forrest Gump was 2 IQ points away from shoving spaghetti up his nose for the rest of his life and even HE managed to wife up Jenny in 142 minutes. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you're at least moderately more intelligent than Mr. Gump over there, but I know a fuckload of you are going to go ahead and prove me wrong.
For guys, it's a different story. For the most part it's completely irrelevant who you bring on an away weekend because there's a lot of date-swapping going on. “Sugartits I already know that, tell me something I don't know,” you say as you contemplate whether or not to quit reading this and go back to playing Skyrim. Well, what if I told you that the only really important thing is whether or not your cooler blows chunks?
From what I've seen, yeah, if your date looks like fucking Bilbo Baggins, you're gonna get shit on. But let's be honest here… how much of your away weekends do you actually remember in the first place? As long as Bilbo doesn't have the social skills of a goddamn potato, she'll make friends with the other girls there and be able to do her own thing to an extent, leaving you to wander around with a minimum of one tallboy in your hand and see how many dillholes you can stick your pickle into in one weekend. I guaranfuckingtee you that at least 80% of the guys there will have gone with the mentality of “YEEAAHHH I GET TO STICK MY FREE WILLY INTO HER AQUARIUM FOR A WEEKEND,” but have gross coolers, while you get to run around with a great cooler and still stick your dick wherever your current level of pickup-game allows. Basically, the other guys will leave the weekend with a shitty cooler and the “memory” of a hot date, while you, sir, get to leave with a great cooler and a weekend that you stuck it in a pretty girl.
Follow Rebecca Martinson on Twitter here.
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