The lovelies over at College Candy came knocking at our door again last week. The subject of their email literally said, "Is Waffles in the mood to offend some sorority girls?" Flattering, isn't it? Well ladies, you really know how to sweet talk a man into doing something. You dangle that bait right in front of my face — how can I resist?
You see, Bros, the College Candy girls asked me that very question because they wrote themselves an article (I know I know, women writing articles when they should be making a bed, folding my unmentionables, or drawing me a bath, right?) about things you can expect when dating a guy in a fraternity. At first, I thought they were going to be prudent about this and list both the pros and cons of dating a fraternity man. To my dismay, however, it turned out to be about 470 words of sheer hate speak and this-pen*s-party-has-to-go propaganda. And we can't have that. But we can have our rebuttal. And it can consist of only cons. And it can use the word "c*nt" 75 times. Actually, I'll skip the redundant c*nt use — I already planted that mental seed — but I will hold up on my promise of making this all cons. Not to say that there aren't a few pros here and there, but why should I waste my precious breath noting those?
Here are six reasons you might not want to date a chick in a sorority. None of these will probably ever stop you from dating a sorority girl, and nor should they, but keep them in mind the next time a Kappa or Tri-Delt comes calling.
All girls have drama. It's a perk of tw*t ownership. But sorority broads, they are the cream of drama crop. They come with a f*cking multiplier. They have to be associated with girls they hate. They can't escape them. And sure, you can't expect girls to love every one of their sisters. Hell, guys don't like everyone in their own fraternity either. But while guys are content in saying, "I f*cking hate that idiot, I'm going to cock block the shit out of him every chance I get," chicks are vastly different. They takes sides and start internal wars for even the most nonsensical bullshit. And the worst part is, they'll suck you into it. Like your f*ckin' ear has nothing better to listen to. So being the lucky son of a f*ck that you are, you get to hear about all the drama, and you also have to pretend to hate Becky because, unlike your girlfriend, she had the audacity to do something positive for herself and got an amazing tit job.
Big Sister is Always Watching
By saying "Big Sister," I am referring to every member of her sorority, not just the one she got stuck with during pledging. One of her sorority girls will inevitably be somewhere that you are: Whether on campus, or at a local bar, they are unintentionally witnessing your every move. Think you're going to go to your favorite dive and do shit behind her back on the night she decided to stay in and wax her turd cutter? Think the f*ck again. Nights like these will make you wish your girl was a social pariah.
She'll Still Go to Mixers with Fraternities That Aren't Yours
Maybe this one isn't so bad, if your girl isn't an all-world hoe. But it's safe to say guys in fraternities don't attend these things with the hopes of finding stimulating conversation and a new platonic friend. They are there to crush a cervix, even if it's one that is already spoken for.
Breaking Up Means All Her sisters Are Off-Limits for At Least a Month
You throw your prick in a sorority chick a couple times and then move on to the next one pretty seamlessly. But if you seriously date a girl in a sorority, kiss the chances of f*cking her hotter friends goodbye for at least a few months. Most chicks are probably thinking, "A few months, my c*nt. More like forever, a**hole!" But seriously, ladies, we all know broads stab each other in the back when the right amount of charm and good looks comes calling. So pipe the f*ck down.
Sorority Events That Aren't Formals
Have you ever seen, or heard of, a Judas Cradle? Well, let's just say that after watching nonathletic broads play flag football, you might beg for someone to introduce your a**hole to one. On an unrelated note, the JC should replace water-boarding. It's far less humane.
The Women in Her Sorority "Family Tree"
For that first part of the semester — when everyone is all about rush — you are stuck seeing at least three generations of your girl's sorority family. So that means you not only have to endure hanging out with her "little" — who is probably more annoying than an a**hole itch in public — but you have to put up with her chain-smoking, beer-guzzling "big" who, by now, is a disgrace to humanity and has a fupa that doubles as a serving tray.