Away games on Saturday night were the bane of your existence
Away games on Saturday night are the worst. While you’re grinding away, trying to beat some no-name school two hours down the road, your other bros are busy day drinking, watching college football (the type that matters), and generally having fun. You’d be panicking on the bus ride back, making sure you had a perfectly scheduled exit from the bus. But invariably, your non-sports-playing friends would be way too drunk when you finally got to the party.
You drank on the bus
[See above.] This was an important tradition. Win, lose, or tie, there's no better way to get the night going than taking down a water bottle of whiskey on the ride back and having some freshmen take your pads to the locker room so you could continue pregamming. In many ways, D3 athletes and high school girls taking the train to see DAVE are alarmingly similar.
You never had to worry about a drug test
Among the chief advantages of D3 athletics is never having to worry about a drug test. D1 athletes can’t smoke during the season because they’re constantly getting tested. D3 athletes are constantly stoned.
You lived in a team house
This is especially true for schools without fraternities (nerds). Whether it was the lax bros, the football meatheads, the wrestling team, or the weirdly tall basketball players, you ended up living with your teammates.
You hated your coach
No D3 athlete has ever liked his coach. They might run the wrong offense, not give you enough playing time, or have a 300-inspired training program. Regardless, every coach is a prick.
In related news, I’d rather castrate myself than be a D3 coach.
You had an assistant coach who went to your school
This guy wasn’t fooling anyone. He was so horrifically unemployable and/or just wanted another year of school that he stayed around to be an inconsequential assistant coach. He was in that weird position where you probably got super-fucked up with him the year before, but now he was in, “Oh look at me, I’m a big dick coach now and you have to listen to me” mode.
Your parents were more excited to come drink than watch you play
You think your parents are there because they love you—because they want to share in your successes and support you in your defeats. FALSE. They were there to get drunk as shit with the other parents. Parents are the people who enjoy D3 sports the most.
You probably quit
And we’ve come full circle. You got into this school based on your athletic talents, but you realized your college experience would be way more enjoyable if you quit. Your coach definitely knew that “I need to spend time focusing on my studies” is a very poorly disguised “I need to spend some time focusing on my drinking,” but you really didn’t care.
Which is really the point of college after all.