College
by Justin Gawel on September 5, 2013

#1—Attendance is Required: No matter what lies you have already convinced yourself at the beginning of the semester, you aren’t going to be that motivated through your finals. You might think this is the first day of productive new you, but eventually you’ll settle into your old ways of sleeping late and drinking early. By the fourth week, you’ll willingly lose that two-percent off your final grade rather than give up your midday at-home whiskey hour during The Price is Right every Tuesday and Thursday.

#2—Already Missed Something Big: Maybe your professor is just new or he or she forgot they were teaching at a traditional transfer school where the weekends start on Wednesday and the students changed the school mascot to topless drunk girl in handcuffs. This isn’t Princeton, but for some misguided reason the professor assigned three books for summer reading. And so, just asking to be disappointed, said instructor assigned a test worth something like a quarter of your final grade during the first week. Listen here, Professor, don’t be surprised everyone dropped your class; maybe you don’t but some of us use our summers for drinking and fornicating, thank you very much!

#3—The People: It’s never the children’s birthday party itself, a TJ Maxx back-to-school-sale itself, or a DMV itself that’s unbearable, no, it’s the people inside that make them unbearable. Unbearable can be as simple as a filthy orphan here on some wacky equal-opportunity scholarship who smells like low tide always sitting near you. Or perhaps unbearable can be the two or three kiss assess in the class who ask about extra-credit opportunities so often you can nearly see the butthole hair, completed with the intact dingleberries, hanging from in between each of their two front teeth. Unbearable can also be being the most attractive person in the class, knowing you have nowhere to go except down from here. If the class becomes unbearable enough you might just have to drop it like it’s, well, objectively ugly and not hot.

#4—Issues with that Specific Professor: On paper, the class looks normal; a few tests, maybe a paper, standard lectures, but after the first day you realize you can’t deal with the person running the show. There could be a personal reason, like you had a fight with them in a previous class or he’s the married guy you were seeing until he refused to go splitsies on an abortion. Maybe your professor’s style incorporates your two biggest turn-offs: stories about his family and an uninhibited love of Bon Jovi. Everyone has different peeves, in the end it could end up that you drop the class because, hey, you’re an old-fashioned purist and can’t stand a woman teaching math.

#5—Group Assignments: Putting your academic fate in the hands of some randomly assigned fucks is almost always a terrible idea. No doubt some professors love theses and touch themselves to delusions of students coming together in brain trusts to network and write, but that’s never the case. Really, with group projects there’s no middle ground. You either end up with a bunch of slackers all trying to get out of the project without doing any work or you end up with one or two mousy, know-it-all, this-was-my-safety-school-I’m-transferring-to-a-better-one-soon types who are going to schedule useless, yet still mandatory, meetings all the time. Drop the class and laugh at the thought of those other chuckle-fucks squabbling over project details late one night at the library.

In the end, if only one of these things applies to you class maybe you can make it work, provided the class is something easy like Reading for Non-Readers, Social Justice Through Maury Povich, or Introduction to Psychology. If more than two apply you’re risking way too much frustration, anxiety, and potential stress-induced aneurysms to not drop it.

Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan whose articles appear on BroBible most Thursdays and some Tuesdays usually. Look for more of his writing, his BroBible.com archive, and his updates at www.justingawel.com or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.

[College student image via ShutterStock]