College is a time to experiment with a variety of ways to ruin your life. You have all the hormones of high school and you can get booze without the hassle. It’s these factors combined that teach young men that sex isn’t just something fun, it’s something gross and hilarious.
The 10-minute Rule
After a night out drinking and dry humping, it’s game time, but booze has both of your bladders flooded like the Instagram inbox of a freshman who just posted a bikini pic. As soon as you hit the head the clock starts ticking, because the focus is on whose in the bathroom, and how much time they’re taking. Nothing leads to a lack of sex like realizing the stranger from the bar might be evacuating more than their bladder.
Moving from your parent’s house to a campus means freedom. You’re going to be doing things that would make your grandma more ashamed than your sisters back tattoo. This freedom comes at a cost, a wanking cost. Time to learn The Ninja, silent and effective. In high school you have time to search for just the right FFFFFFMF pile up to release your seed to, but in college you need to get your time down like a 100 meter sprint. Masturbating in college means releasing like your life depended on it. Sure it’s not as fun, but, it beats the shame you’ll feel if you become the first dick your roommate has seen in real life.
The 5 Whisky Wonder
All the post grad bro’s have been through this. The first time you catch a case of the whiskey wang the excuses start flying. A guy saying, “This is never happened before” is as believable as a girl saying “I’ve never done this before.” Try and save yourself some shame, don’t try to get it half hard and put it in, or say, “You’re just so hot it’s intimidating.” Fess up and have morning sex, morning breath can’t be worse than your attempt last night.
Three’s A Crowd
The sock is on the door handle and you two are releasing body fluids like an Alien Vs Predator movie when the door opens. This is when your roommate gets a full view of your unshaven ass and that weird line down the back of your ball sack. There is no good way to handle this situation aside from laughing. Make sure you get a look at his shocked face and get your last thrust before it’s too late. Bonus points if you’re finishing when the intruder comes in.
Sex can be scary and there is no worse situation than the case of a disappearing condom. You were a responsible consenting adult that wrapped it up. Now you’re both dealing with the mystery of the lost Lifestyles. Plan A is to check your bed and her but no matter what it’s time for Plan B.
The worst thing ever has happened; you’ve got a hot date to come back, but your room is already taken. If you play your cards right you can get adventurous and try having sex in the common room or a bathroom. It’s fun and kinky at first, but the next day your knees are redder than your date’s cheeks when she remembers what you two did.
Your roommate has a new girlfriend so now the couch and you have become best friends. After spending nights sleeping there you’ve desperation texted every girl you can. Tonight is your night, though. Even if the sex is subpar, you’re going to stay in your room like it’s a zombie apocalypse shelter. Make sure you have booze, snacks, and water because letting him in means the end of the fun. Make sure you close all the windows as well, because the point is to leave the room smelling like someone left fish on a radiator.
The Cross Campus Booty Call
It’s time to channel your inner Matthew Borne because this is a race against time. At any moment your booty call could pass out, so slap on some cologne and bring a wet wipe. It’s a 20 minute rule, sprint across campus like you’re Usain Bolt. Knock over a campus security guard, run through the liberal arts majors hacky sack game, or clothesline the kid wearing sandals and an anime shirt because the only thing stopping you from getting where you need to be is your cardio.
Let’s get Weird
Its college, let’s face it, sexually you know about as much as blind kid who can’t read brail yet. You’re going to realizes there are millions of ways to get each other off and the sooner you do that the better. If a girl whips out handcuffs and a ball gag, man up and see what it’s all about. Sure, you may wake up in a bathtub and wonder how you got a goat at that hour. Sure, you may find out you like something that involves unexpected holes, but, now’s the time to slap on those fluffy hand cuffs and find out what type of man you really are.
This is the simplest and easiest. Sometimes you’re going to look at who you banged and high five yourself. Avoid bragging to your bros, invite her to a party you’re all at and introduce her till you’re a hero.
Bread Foster is a NYC stand up comedian. His only other talent is eating steak with his bare hands. More can be found on his twitter @BreadFoster