So you’re a freshman and you’re just about to start college. Hell to the fucking yeah. We will cheers to that! College is literally the best five to six years of your life if you do it right. The first obstacle though, is your roommate. If you didn’t pick a roommate to start, then your random pairing can be the beginning of a beautiful friendship or make your first year nearly unbearable.
At first, you might think your roommate is only nervous about starting school, or afraid they won’t be able to make any friends. Maybe they’re just being weird because they want to “start over” and break out of the mold they were stuck in during high school. Maybe they just had a bad summer, got broken up with, or ate some bad sea food and have food poisoning. Whatever. You need to discern if these are actually signs that your roommate sucks and you need to make moves to get out of there. We’ve listed some serious questions you should ask yourself to figure out if you need to take evasive action.
Is Your Roomate Loud?
Does your roommate have raging parties (online on the Xbox) without telling you? Do they prefer moonlight to daylight and aren’t subtle about it? Are they in a band that is just about to get famous? This roommate sucks for sure. It’s one thing to party, it’s another thing to spend the whole night screaming at the TV because one of your teammates is a camper or to practice their one hit wonder that isn’t ever going to hit. Don’t get us wrong, we love to rage, but raging in your dorm room doesn’t sound cool, and that’s because it isn’t. If your roommate can’t keep his mouth shut or doesn’t understand that you’re supposed to live there too, it’s time to kick him to the curb and get a much chiller bro to explore college with.
Is Your Roommate Messy?
A messy roommate is the ultimate mood killer. Try bringing home a slam piece and having to wade through piles of laundry, food, and comic books. It’s infuriating to be unable to move around your room, let alone just have to look at trash all the time. Sure, you understand that hanging up your bro tank after a night of getting smashed isn’t your first priority, but this is a whole different level. We’re talking about piles of to-go containers from the cafeteria stacked on the foot of his bed, which is surrounded by the clothes he’s been wearing since he moved in that he hasn’t washed. If your roommate is messy now and it is only the first month, they’ll probably be messy forever unless you draw the line. We mean literally draw a line. Then, start trashing anything that crosses it. Hopefully, they’ll get the picture.
Is Your Roommate a Nerd?
Is your room literally always dark because your roommate has never seen the sun? Do they have a “command station” instead of a computer? If so, then your roommate is probably a nerd. These roommates mostly suck because you will never ever get any alone time in your own room. It’s even worse when they invite their nerdy friends over. They’re uber tidy, hate everything you do, and never sleep. They have never seen a red cup, nor do they know what belongs in it. They will mostly watch a screen or watch you. You need to break them out of their shell or get used to doing walk-of-shames since you’ll be out of the room so much. Bro walks of shame are never a good thing, so we advise the breaking them out of their shell scenario.
Is Your Roommate Always Naked?
If your roommates junk is always out and you’re just not into that, you need to either switch rooms or make them change. It’s ok if they’re just coming back from the shower and like to air dry. We get that. It is not ok if they are eating ramen on at their desk starting the Lord of the Rings trilogy and haven’t put on even underwear before they start quoting Legolas. That shit is a no-go. Start keeping your door open or inviting friends and try to break this habit, otherwise, you’re going to get a full frontal every morning and that is no way for a bro to wake up.
Is Your Rommate Always Naked With Friends?
Everybody wants to be supportive of someone getting it on. We will high five you any time you get some. It’s when it happens every night that getting it on becomes an issue. If rando hookups have spent more nights in your room than you have, something is seriously wrong. You’ve got to lay down the law, and if that doesn’t work, you have to make it sufficiently awkward for those hookups so they don’t come around anymore. Remember, if your roommate is getting action, then that means you aren’t. Get your priorities straight bro. There is an “I” in penis for a reason.
Is Your Roommate Trying To Take Over Your Identity?
Ok, hopefully this one is a wild card. There are some seriously sick stories out there of freaky roommates who not only steal your clothes, but aim for your very soul. Between theft, stalking, and watching you while you sleep, you seriously want to keep your fingers crossed that your roommate isn’t one of these weirdos. If you’re sure they are, keep one eye open with these types, and try to move as soon as possible. It’s not worth living on the top floor if your roommate is going to try to stab you, or wear your face as a mask. It’s also not cool if they want to be in a relationship with you. Just let them know you’re not looking for anything serious, and try to keep any hookups you have on the down low for a while.
This post was originally published on Sorry For Partying.