Costco: The mecca for inexpensive, economy-sized shit. It’s the only place where you’re encouraged to buy anything from the Kirkland brand. The free food samples, overpopulation of MILFs and amazing deals make a trip to Costco more of an experience than an everyday errand.
Two suggestions before shopping at a Costco near your school:
1. Talk your roommates into buying a $50 member card.
Luckily for you, becoming a member is cheap, easy and something anyone on a collegiate budget should take advantage of. We did this my junior year at college and it was well worth it. (Meaning, we were there on a weekly basis). I don’t remember how much each person paid because attempting to do the math right now will only add to my daily battle with ADD.
2. Prepare to be ridiculed.
Don’t buy food or clothes unless you plan on telling people how much money you saved. If you get called out on eating or wearing something from Costco, tell that person to fuck off.
Since Costco is my go-to shopping source, I thought it would only be fair to share some of the best deals for the modern day college Bro who’s looking to save a few bucks. After about twenty minutes of investigating, I found some outrageous savings. Below are twelve of the best deals this mecca has to offer.
1. Easy-To-Make/College Friendly Food
Kirkland Signature “Take and Bake” Pizza (16-inch)
Tyson Breaded Chicken Fingers (5lbs)
Barilla Penne Pasta (8lbs)
Kellogg’s Eggo Waffles (60pk)
Bagel Bites (72pk)
Cup of Noodles “The Original” (24pk)
There were too many foods to choose from so I put the top six. You can’t go wrong with any of these classic easy-to-make, college friendly foods. All six are perfect for nights when you come home hungry and drunk.
2. Thirst Quencher Part One: Non-Alcoholic
Gatorade Variety G Series (30pk)
Always choose Gatorade over H20. Always.
3. Thirst Quencher Part Two: Alcoholic
Kirkland Signature Handcrafted Beer (24pk)
Kirkland makes beer? Yep. This makes it that much better even though I’ve never tried it. Choose any of the four they make: Pale Ale, Hefeweizen, Amber Ale, or German Lager. If you have had any of these please, let me know how they are in the comment section.
4. Classic Condiment
Frank’s Red Hot (2/23oz)
It’s not until you have an abundance of Frank’s Red Hot in your house that you realize how often you put that shit on everything.
5. Go-To Snacks
Rice Krispies Treats (54pk)
You can never go wrong with this classic childhood snack.
6. Semester-Lasting Condoms
Durex Pleasure Pack (48pk)
I was surprised to see Durex instead of Trojan but either way it’s a great deal. The “Pleasure Pack” includes: Natural Feeling, Intense Sensation, Tropical, Pleasure Max, Extra Sensitive and Rainbow. Ok, a couple of these sound weird but when you’re wasted I doubt you or your slampiece are going to care.
Kirkland Signature Jeans (Denim)
Kirkland’s stepping up their game with their denim deal. Not only are these a steal for jeans in general, but they come with five pockets!
8. Laundry Detergent
All Brand (120 loads)
The biggest adjustment to college is doing your own laundry. At first it sucks, but then you start to get pretty good at it. Bro Tip: Don’t forget to do it and let it pile up too high, it gives your girlfriend yet another reason to bitch at you.
9. Bathroom Supplies
Kirkland Signature Toilet Paper (30 Rolls)
Kirkland Signature Mouthwash (3/1.5liters)
This one is a toss up. You have to ask yourself one question: Would you rather get stuck with NOT wiping your ass after taking a shit, or would you rather walk around with stank breath? If you have the money, buy both. I guarantee you a happier life if you do.
10. Solo Cups
Kirkland Signature Chinet “The Big Red Cup” (240pk)
The fact that you get 240 plastic cups for $10.99 is remarkable. If this buy doesn’t turn you into a devoted Costco customer, I don’t know what will. Now you have an excuse to throw a party.
11. The Random Thing That Looks Cool
The Lava Seat by California Innovations (So Random)
While searching aisle after aisle for any of the above items, it’s natural for a Bro to get overwhelmed by the numerous discounts surrounding him. You may become disoriented and end up buying something random yet awesome just for the hell of it. I came across this and it made me think about sitting in the football stands during the winter. Suddenly, the Lava Seat by California Innovations became a necessity. Discounts got the best of me.
12. In-House Dining
Hot Dog (1/4lb) & Soft Drink (20oz)
It’s hard to last five minutes in Costco before getting hungry. If you’re not too full from devouring all the free samples, finish your shopping spree with the best in-house combo deal around. The hot dogs are huge (no homo) and they even give you a free refill -- talk about generosity!
Ready To-Go (3lbs)
The MILF I met on the Checkout Line (38-years-old)