Earlier today, our resident wonder boy, Stevie Chay Vaughan IV, posted an email we received from a landlord to his college-age tenants. That resulted in one of our readers emailing us a bill he recently received from his landlord. The title of his email was "Your Security Deposit Was Amateur Sh*t" while the body included these choice words, "What you posted was a bunch of f*cking softies (most likely baseball players). Here's what a Bro's security deposit looks like. We don't f*ck around over here in Jersey."
Yes, we obliged him by posting this. But honestly, if you have a decent landlord, there's no reason to destroy the guy's f*cking house. You're only going to lose a security deposit that your parents probably paid, and you probably would have pocketed in the end. If not cost your parents more money. But, in the event you do have an all-pro dick-chugger for a landlord -- who thinks he can take advantage of you -- destroy his house in places he can't see. For instance, flush everything you possibly can down his toilets, especially condoms.
Take my word for it, on the day that f*cking septic tank explodes (and it will), you'll be long gone and he'll be staring at thousands of used condoms swimming in a river of chocolatey shit, with no one to pin the blame on.
This happened at the house I lived in my junior and senior year. Our landlord and the half-dead ox he called a wife were both people I'd like to see on Faces of Death someday. They bought the house while we were already living there, so we had no choice but to deal with them and their out-spoken racsim towards our one roommate. Anyway, we didn't know it at the time, but our revenge for them being fuming racists, and trying to stiff us out of our security deposit -- because they thought we stole the f*cking tray that goes in a microwave -- was being executed from the day we moved in.
You see, my friend's girl (who lived with us) didn't take the pill and refused to let him raw dog her. All the numb sex had to suck for him at the time, but it wasn't my dick, plus his two years of misery — i.e. all those condoms flushed down the toilet — is probably what pushed that f*ckin' tank over the edge. I knew the girls who rented the house after us and when I got the call that the tank went kaboom, only six months later, it was more gratifying than a negative AIDS test.
According to the girls, it cost that jerk-off over $5K to replace the tank and he had to comp their rent while it was being fixed. Let me tell you, I'm not all for destroying another person's house, but that could not have happened to a nicer, less bigoted guy.