College
by Isaac Himmelman on May 17, 2013

1. Keep It Casual

Dude, I know. During the year, you and your boys throw down all the time and once at max-capacity you guys had like, a thousand people in your backyard. Congratulations. I’m shipping you all small trophies in the mail. But now you’re back at home in the real world (the too-real world, am I right?) Unless your family situation is super fucked to the point that your folks have thrown in the towel completely, chances are you’re not allowed to have a thousand people in your backyard. For the record: I wasn’t allowed to either. And that’s fine. All the Talmudic minutia of what’s considered “a party” and what’s considered “a kick-back” and how many people you technically need to throw “a rager” is recalibrated for summer. I’d say, forty people is a safe bet. A hundred people is chancy, but it’s also a bold move so I say, go for it.

2. No Need For BYOB

For those of you who come from a home where someone’s a raging alcoholic, this is one of those moments when your family’s brokenness actually works in your favor. Chances are that raging drunk of yours keeps a fully stocked closet of liquor for themselves, sure, but also for you and everyone you know! Alright, question: Should you charge people to drink your parent’s booze? Well, here’s another question: How much money are you gonna make this summer life-guarding at the local kiddy-pool? In other words, yes, you should absolutely charge people to drink your parent’s booze. They’re your parents after all. They birthed you. Also, it’s quality stuff. Also you’re just an average dude trying to get by (i.e. don’t be the bro in broke.) Just be sure that afterwards you replace your parent’s booze with more booze. If your parents are more occasional-drinkers, use apple juice and water for scotch and vodka, respectively.

3. Lock Your Parent’s Bedroom

Is nothing holy? Do we as men wish to completely devoid ourselves of all which was once sanctified? Do you want to walk into your parent’s bedroom two-hours deep into your rager to find Melisa Mahoney at full-blossom getting rammed by some dude with a tribal tat? If you answered “no” to any of these questions, than for God’s sake, lock your parent’s bedroom before you rage! If anyone’s gonna get some on your parent’s marriage-bed at your rager it ought to be you. 

4. Protect Your Family’s Heirlooms

When your parents get back post-party, they’ll do a bit of light detective-work. You, however, will be a cool step a head of them having bagged away every last jay-butt, beer can, and shred of evidence. You sly dog, you! Suffice it to say, you managed to throw a sick party, and no one was the wiser. That is until your old man begins surveying the family’s china chest, and wait, where the hell is the priceless candelabrum your grandparents escaped the Holocaust with?! You idiot! You didn’t lock up the family heirlooms and now your parents think you’re so out of control that they can’t leave for one weekend in Palm Springs without you throwing a God-damned rager! To make matters worse, your grandparents protected that candelabrum from the Nazis only to have it stolen decades later at their dip-shit grandson’s summer party by some dude with a tribal tat. Moral of the story: Protect your family’s heirlooms.

5. Know Your Neighborhood Police Force

College cops don’t have to deal with gang wars, immigration, kidnappings, and a host of other normal city problems. That’s why most of the time college cops mostly just break up college parties. And while you probably think your college town’s police department is filled with lowly pigs that will stop at nothing to destroy you and your boys’ respective buzzes, wait till you have your summer party broken up by an actual police force that has better things to do than deal with the out-of-control rager you are throwing in your parent’s house. Your neighborhood cops will be pissed at you, and depending on the size of your hometown and your hometown’s police force, you might stand to suffer some real-world consequences that would really put a damper on your summer plans. It sucks getting arrested, sure, but it sucks even more hitting the beach with a broken ribcage.

Alright, that’s it. Go hard. Be safe. Don’t disrespect women.