You did it! Another chill-as-hell year of college is now behind you. Out over the horizon? That’s your future filled with more than a few semester’s worth of hard partying debauchery served up nice and neat just the way you like it. But hey bro, before you get over-excited and wet your khaki shorts, here’s the catch: Laid out between you and the remaining semesters of your collegiate career is a three-month boredom gap called summer. Why someone in the higher ups thought you needed a three-month vacation from your four-year vacation is beyond me. And let’s be honest, in a perfect world you’d get to spend your summer in a state of perpetual keg-standing, breaking only to retrieve oxygen or to rendezvous with one of a binder’s worth of smokeshows. Alas! Our world is wrought with so many imperfections, the least of which is waking up in the same bed thirteen-year-old you used to wet picturing sixth-grade Melisa Mahoney blossoming into womanhood. But look, you know you have a rough and celibate three months ahead of you, and I’m not here to throw salt on those wounds. In fact, I’m here to oversee the heeling process of those wounds and bandage those little fuckers up. Just because there’s no snow in Iraq, doesn’t mean the children of Baghdad don’t get the occasional popsicle. And just because you’re home for summer doesn’t mean you shouldn’t throw the occasional rager. I present: “5 Rules for Throwing an Epic Rager at Your Parent’s House Over Summer Break.”
1. Keep It Casual
Dude, I know. During the year, you and your boys throw down all the time and once at max-capacity you guys had like, a thousand people in your backyard. Congratulations. I’m shipping you all small trophies in the mail. But now you’re back at home in the real world (the too-real world, am I right?) Unless your family situation is super fucked to the point that your folks have thrown in the towel completely, chances are you’re not allowed to have a thousand people in your backyard. For the record: I wasn’t allowed to either. And that’s fine. All the Talmudic minutia of what’s considered “a party” and what’s considered “a kick-back” and how many people you technically need to throw “a rager” is recalibrated for summer. I’d say, forty people is a safe bet. A hundred people is chancy, but it’s also a bold move so I say, go for it.
2. No Need For BYOB
For those of you who come from a home where someone’s a raging alcoholic, this is one of those moments when your family’s brokenness actually works in your favor. Chances are that raging drunk of yours keeps a fully stocked closet of liquor for themselves, sure, but also for you and everyone you know! Alright, question: Should you charge people to drink your parent’s booze? Well, here’s another question: How much money are you gonna make this summer life-guarding at the local kiddy-pool? In other words, yes, you should absolutely charge people to drink your parent’s booze. They’re your parents after all. They birthed you. Also, it’s quality stuff. Also you’re just an average dude trying to get by (i.e. don’t be the bro in broke.) Just be sure that afterwards you replace your parent’s booze with more booze. If your parents are more occasional-drinkers, use apple juice and water for scotch and vodka, respectively.
3. Lock Your Parent’s Bedroom
Is nothing holy? Do we as men wish to completely devoid ourselves of all which was once sanctified? Do you want to walk into your parent’s bedroom two-hours deep into your rager to find Melisa Mahoney at full-blossom getting rammed by some dude with a tribal tat? If you answered “no” to any of these questions, than for God’s sake, lock your parent’s bedroom before you rage! If anyone’s gonna get some on your parent’s marriage-bed at your rager it ought to be you.
4. Protect Your Family’s Heirlooms
When your parents get back post-party, they’ll do a bit of light detective-work. You, however, will be a cool step a head of them having bagged away every last jay-butt, beer can, and shred of evidence. You sly dog, you! Suffice it to say, you managed to throw a sick party, and no one was the wiser. That is until your old man begins surveying the family’s china chest, and wait, where the hell is the priceless candelabrum your grandparents escaped the Holocaust with?! You idiot! You didn’t lock up the family heirlooms and now your parents think you’re so out of control that they can’t leave for one weekend in Palm Springs without you throwing a God-damned rager! To make matters worse, your grandparents protected that candelabrum from the Nazis only to have it stolen decades later at their dip-shit grandson’s summer party by some dude with a tribal tat. Moral of the story: Protect your family’s heirlooms.
5. Know Your Neighborhood Police Force
College cops don’t have to deal with gang wars, immigration, kidnappings, and a host of other normal city problems. That’s why most of the time college cops mostly just break up college parties. And while you probably think your college town’s police department is filled with lowly pigs that will stop at nothing to destroy you and your boys’ respective buzzes, wait till you have your summer party broken up by an actual police force that has better things to do than deal with the out-of-control rager you are throwing in your parent’s house. Your neighborhood cops will be pissed at you, and depending on the size of your hometown and your hometown’s police force, you might stand to suffer some real-world consequences that would really put a damper on your summer plans. It sucks getting arrested, sure, but it sucks even more hitting the beach with a broken ribcage.
Alright, that’s it. Go hard. Be safe. Don’t disrespect women.