College
by J. Camm on February 27, 2014

pike

Different lips would have been substantially cooler, but as a Pike, I will not complain since I’ve never decorated my own body with a permanent stamp of our fraternity’s letters. So you win, random babe.

Update: In a sad turn of events, this Dream Girl applicant doesn’t love her lip tattoo decision enough for the whole world to see it. She forced the guy who tweeted it to take it down and although I have a copy of the photo, I took it down as well. It’s her lip to flaunt, not ours. 

And to clarify, I don’t know if the unseen girl with the lip tattoo actually took home the crown of Pike Dream Girl or if this was her best effort in the application process. My chapter nominated, voted internally, and crowned our winner during a raucous weekend trip in May, but at U of A they apparently have a thorough application process where girls can apply for the honorable position. They’ve got a fucking 4-page Google doc, explaining the process to hopeful applicants.

Here are the questions Dream Girl applicants have to answer (from that Google doc) to even be considered. For shats and gags, I will also answer them for the girls who are curious how they should be answered.

Please respond to the following questions with no more than 250 words per question.

1. Please write a short bio about yourself.

Gorgeous face. Creamy thighs. Heavenly scented orifices. And various other unfair physical attributes that get you far in life.

2. Please share some of your accomplishments or clubs/organizations that you are involved with and why they are important to you.

Clubs: None. Why is that important? I keep any unnecessary human interaction at an extreme minimum, and that’s right where it should be. Also, this gives me more time to dedicate myself to Pi Kappa Alpha. And if you idiots aren’t idiots, you’d know time is often someone’s most valuable asset. In my case it’s creamy thighs, but that’s because I’m a five-tool player.

3. What do you believe is the most important quality for the Pike Dream Girl to possess and why?

The ability to tell a great fucking lie. We both know at some point this chapter is going to find itself in hot water. You need a girl who is going to go to bat for you. Maybe even fall on a sword or two for the greater good of the chapter because she’s technically not affiliated. Now, do you want a babe who is willing to take those bullets, or some whore who answered this question with trivial bullshit about philanthropy?

4. What is your favorite thing about Pike? What is something about Pike you would improve? How would you do this?

Everything about Pike is my favorite thing in the world. Why else would I fill out this fucking form?

How would I improve Pike? Simple. I would stop that buffoon who disgraced the national fraternity by butt-chugging.

And how might I do that, you ask? Time machine. Also, probably murder.

5. If you could be any superhero who would it be and why?

Wolverine. He’s got a great, thick head of desirable hair (which is his REAL superpower).

6. Using the letters of PI KAPPA ALPHA, describe yourself.

That’s some pledge bullshit. Go fuck yourselves.

And that, ladies, is how it’s done. Feel free to just hand that in as your application.

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J. Camm

About J. Camm...

J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.