College
by Peter Sullivan on March 27, 2014

shmacked

Honorable Mention: The Pregame Pass-Out Guy

This is the guy who doesn’t really understand the term “pregaming.” He doesn’t just get drunk before he goes out, he gets obliterated. It’s like he doesn’t know he’s allowed to drink at the party or the bar. He just keeps drinking at the pregame until he either gets sick or passes out. And if (God forbid) he does stay awake, you really contemplate leaving him because, let’s face it, his night could only end badly.

5. The Insane Drunk

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You can probably spot him at a party breaking a beer can on his head and shotgunning it. This is the guy who’s known for doing crazy, belligerent things when he’s drunk. He is commonly referred to as “that guy.” He makes it almost impossible to get into house parties or bars, because he has a rep for fucking up shit.

If you’re wondering who broke that lamp last night, or punched a hole in the wall, or threw that chair off the balcony, it was probably him. He is the king of party fouls, but you keep him around because his antics usually make for a good story.

4. The Silent Killer

This is the guy who quietly sits in the corner during the pregame and polishes off his sixth beer while everyone else is working on their second. However, you’ll never catch him bragging about how much he’s had. It’s only when someone else asks him what number he’s on that you realize he’s been silently pounding drinks. Unlike those guys who roam around the party constantly reminding you that they “totally chugged that handle of rum for like 20 seconds and had like 10 beers so they’re so fucked up.” Cool story, bro. The silent killer is fun to have around because they get louder and happier the drunker they get.

3. The Sloppy Drunk

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This bro’s mission is to blackout. And he won’t settle for anything less. He consumes every drink in sight, and you can find him at a party either caked in vomit or passed out on the bathroom floor/living room couch (actually, it’s usually both). Now, many of you are probably wondering “How can I recognize who this sloppy drunk is when I never see his face (due to it being buried in a toilet for most of the night)?” Valid question. An easy way to spot the sloppy drunk is the morning after the party when he’ll most likely have the look of death along with remnants of what were once sharpie drawings of dicks on his face.

2. The “Drink This” Guy

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The “Drink This” guy can’t simply enjoy a party. No. He needs every one to constantly chug their drinks to see how messed up they can get. His goal is to roam around the party and constantly invite everyone to take shots or go shotgun. You have to be alert when this dude is around, because the second you look away he will not hesitate to tap your beer bottle or ice you.

No one knows if he even likes parties or if he just enjoys watching people drink. He routinely tip-toes the fine line between bro and giant douche. He’s the type of guy who constantly calls people pussies and tells them they need to drink more when in reality, he doesn’t even drink the same amount himself.

1.The Insomniac

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No matter how much this guy drinks, he doesn’t pass out. In fact, he refuses to go to bed. He is under the impression that the party should really never end, and that’s why you can often find him sitting on the porch outside of a party at dawn finishing off his last beer and smoking a half-smoked cigarette that he found on the ground just wishing that the night could start over. And no, you won’t see him for the rest of the week until the next party rolls around. This is what he lives for.

Dishonorable Mention: The Fake Bro

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The “Fake Bro” is the worst. He’s the guy who goes to every party and nurses 3 or 4 beers throughout the night and then claims he was hammered the next morning. I don’t have many words for this type of person. He just sucks.

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