I don't get off to Priceline deals or peruse travel magazines. I just have an uncanny ability to find spots where I'll easily be able to locate the biggest sloot on the beach and check her oil for a few solid hours while nursing a Red Stripe. I'm talking Clemson-sorority, divorced-parents 919s, the type you want to plant your frat flag in and put some croakies on her beach ball.
A buddy of mine asked me if we could highlight some deals for those who haven't made their plans yet. Just because you weren't like the girls (who booked three years ago), doesn't mean you'll be stuck on Butthole Island at a dude fest. You shouldn't stress if a place isn't five stars — this isn't your summer house on Nantucket or Hilton Head; this is a room made for cheap beer and margarita-drunk snatch. Zero of these companies paid us to write about them, and all prices can change depending on home airport and whether or not you take a rowboat to the island. Grab your Costa del Mars and Guy Harvey, book a trip, and hit the sand.
1. South Padre Island, Texas
Price: $749–999 (airfare & condo)
In case you don't know South Padre, think: Texas State girls, kegs legal on the beach, in the United States. I have two buddies from Ireland who hit this up and took down a whole bevy of birds. Chicks from random schools in the Southwest love this destination, which means one thing: they will never know you or your reputation. This is an enclave where you can smash it up. Highly recommended. Don't forget rubbers.
2. Panama City, Florida
Another American hotspot. The most rad (though mostly disgusting) Spring Break place on the East Coast. This is a Bud Diesel–killing, thong=bikini, Florida State babe area. You should be able to white wash more than a few co-ed faces down here. No joke, a lot of sororities pile into their 4Runners and hit this spot in droves. If you're from a school near Panama City, don't go there: we are trying to fool these girls. A lot of these sites are going to give you "club passes," which you should assume won't do shit when you're in line. Everyone will have one. Grease the bouncer, or just rage at local bars, which are still packed with ass (and non-Guido dudes).
3. Negril, Jamaica
Price: $700 and up
By the time you are grabbing your bag from the carousel the locals are trying to push chronic on you. The "gardener" at one of my buddy's hotel was really just a beer/weed getter. Apart from the weed, the babes usually are on fire because these trips get locked in early. Super smokey babes plan ahead where they want to get their boxes lit up.
4. Cancun, Mexico
Price: CHEAP as shit.
Cancun. Did you just get turned on? You should. Babes from Ole' Miss, Alabama, Wisconsin, and a shit load of Cali schools definitely frequent here. Cancun is the typical Spring Break spot with bad decisions. Since it's in Mexico you won't want to drink the Mexican spring water, so you'll just be crushing fratty lights.
5. Punta Cana, Dominican Republic
Price: All inclusive $650 and up
Just saying "Punta Cana" sounds like I'm saying something Spanish for blow job. Most of the hotels in Punta Cana are all-inclusive: best. thing. ever. Sure you can't order "shots," but anything on the rocks is the same shit. El Presidente (the only beer that will be on tap) is fine for at least nine hours. I wouldn't recommend traipsing to some dumb club here (trust me: your friends will try to make you). Slay ass at your hotel or roam the endless string of hotels on the beach, something will fall or kneel at your feet.
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