A major perk of living on a green college campus is the close promixity it gives you to human's best friend, the common squirrel. Never in your life will you meet squirrels that are more comfortable around you. They've seen a million college kids. They know you're not going to take their nuts. They're chill.
A certain mythology has arisen around college squirrels. For years now, Penn State has sent its students who are turning 21 a message from a squirrel, asking them to be safe. (4,000 people follow the squirrel's Twitter account). Smith College claims to have the country's fattest squirrels. Beloit asked its squirrels to star in an admission's video. Elon's student paper is obsessed with their squirrels' habits. It's all a little insane, but understandable. Squirrels kick ass.
So when Yale's rising upperclassmen noticed this year that their campus' squirrels were missing, we take them at their word. In fact, the Yalies say the squirrels have possibly been... murdered.
The conspiracy arose on Monday after a Yale student—who, naturally, wished to remain anonymous—emailed Gawker. "It appears that the administration paid to have all the squirrels on campus killed over the summer," the senior said. "There are no squirrels left at Yale. As students have begun to realize the genocide that has taken place, they are rising up, enraged and disgusted. Numerous student publications are racing to uncover the scandal, but so far there has been nofficial statement. Continued fury and uprising is expected."
Then, the Huffington Post quoted a Class of 2016 student, Leah Motzkin, who also confirmed that the campus lost its squirrels. "I haven't really seen them," the student said. "Despite their normal menacing of students, we're definitely starting to miss them." Motzkin blamed a large blizzard over the winter for the disappearance.
BUT. New Haven gets winter weather all the fucking time. That can't be it. Maybe a large falcon attack? No. That doesn't make sense either.
Which leaves us with this final question: Why did Yale's administration kill its squirrels? WHY?