College
by Dennis Rathbone on September 24, 2012

Wake Up: Possibly the most important step on this list. It is very difficult to pass an exam when you are not present. And professors tend to be very unforgiving in these situations because they know that you’ll wake up at 8 a.m. to start tailgating on a Saturday, but not to take a test they spent hours preparing. A lot of exams are in the morning. This sucks. To be fair, the ones in the afternoon and night also suck. Don’t set an alarm. Set all the alarms. Your room should sound like a fallout shelter in the morning.

Dress Well, Test Well: A legendary former teammate of mine, Joe, passed these next two steps down to me and he swore by them. You’ve all heard the mantra: look good, play good. No self-respecting professional athlete walks out on the field looking like a slob (except Jay Cutler, because he doesn’t give a f*ck). Ditto for successful businessmen (except for Mark Cuban. See: Jay Cutler). Putting on some nice clothes will automatically make you feel better about yourself. And when your classmates see the kid that never comes to class now in a shirt and tie, they’ll probably assume that you’re always absent because you’re trading foreign commodities on the futures market, not getting stoned and watching Planet Earth.

Fire Up the Smut: You’re not going to learn anything new in the half hour before you take the test. Might as well clear the mechanism, if you know what I mean. Jerk off, if you don’t know what I mean. It’ll relax you, clear the clutter from your head and get you in a happy frame of mind for your upcoming challenge. You never want to go into a tense situation with a loaded gun. It might also make you a little sleepy, and you want to go into a test with a full head of steam. Which is why we …

Get Hyped: I like to throw my speakers on full blast and get riled up enough to run through a brick wall before an exam. So throw on “Bangarang” and throw some sh*t around your room to get ready for battle. Make no mistake, this test is war with an unknown enemy. Some other personal favorites include the speech from “Any Given Sunday” and anything Ray Lewis has ever said. Have you ever heard Ray Lewis talk? One time Ray Lewis got himself so hyped he stabbed two dudes outside a nightclub (allegedly!). That’s the passion I want to see.

The only thing left is to rock that test. I like to approach exams like I approach sex: turn in mediocre results as quickly as possible and then immediately fall asleep. Guess well, cheat if you have to, and if you make any eye contact with the professor, wink and mouth, “good test.” If they’ve seen “Old School” they’ll appreciate it, if they haven’t they’ll think you’re an asshole. Oh, and in the interest of full disclosure, that test I talked about earlier? I actually think I failed it. But good luck on your exams.

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