A story you may have heard about a legendary alumnus of your fraternity, something you’ve seen in every article that looks something like “Top 10 places on campus to have SEX,” or maybe you and your ex-girlfriend planned on doing it but finals week snuck up on you and then she went to study abroad in Rome where she told Marco, Lorenzo, Antonio, and Bartolomeo that she was only “sort of seeing someone.” (Too soon?)
Forget about all that. This is your time to shine, bro. Many before you have signed their own names in the official Sex Bucket List Hall of Fame. It’s up to you to continue the legacy for your brothers, your friends, and—not your parents because they never had sex. That’s just gross.
But I digress. Being able to say that you’ve had sex in the library is more than just a really cool way to lose at never-have-I-ever, it’s like a rite of passage—worth more points than sex on a boat during formal, but not quite as many as Eifel Towering your TA with your best friend in the professor’s office. Obviously if you take a girl to formal and you’re dressed up, you’re on a boat, the food’s good, wine’s better… the question isn’t does she want to—it’s where does she want to? (Answer: the roof. Duh.) On the other hand, how likely is it that you’ll be able to Eifel Tower your TA in the professor’s office? Exactly. That’s why you and your buddy have an apartment together.
So you’re probably wondering how anyone can expect you to pull off this stunt in the only quiet place on campus without getting caught. Because let’s face it, you’re a stud. You always have sex, and when you do, it’s unapologetically rough and loud and fucking awesome for both people involved. How can you expect her to be able to contain herself? She is, after all, only human…
Answer: you have a buddy turn all the lights out. People in the library will think the power went out, get freaked out, and then chaos ensues. It’s like an airplane crashing. You know you’re going to die, so you make the best of it by fucking the shit out of whoever’s sitting next to you. This is why you always sit next to a hot chick. You never know when an airplane is going to crash. Or when the power in the library’s about to go out. Or when your TA wants to fuck you and your buddy in the library just for the hell of it.
But I digress, you’re probably wondering how, once you’ve completed your mission, you’ll be able to reach the extraction point. Especially since the hot girl thinks that you’re both going to die anyway and her boyfriend will never find out about this because you’ll be buried beneath a mountain of books that nobody reads. In fact, even if you bring your girlfriend, this can still be tricky, because she probably wants to cuddle. Wouldn’t it be great if there was like a helicopter on the roof waiting to take you to all your bros so you can tell them what happened? Well, my friends, maybe there is. Maybe there is.
And if there isn’t, you can just walk out the front door like nothing ever happened. Duh.
–Jason Hewett is a partying major who Englishes pretty hard at the University of Delaware. He also does writing and standup comedy. Say hi on facebook or throw some words at firstname.lastname@example.org
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