So, lets say that your mom makes amazing lasagna. Her lasagna is delicious, it’s comforting, it feels like home and you might even go so far as to say that you love the lasagna recipe. Even though you take along some frozen lasagna for the first few weeks of school, you’ll lose touch with that delicious flavor fast. All the other foods available to you on campus will start to distract you from your beloved lasagna and eventually it will be the last thing on your mind. Additionally, there will be many drunken night when you’re looking for something hot, fast and easy. Like pizza. In fact, you might have pizza two or even three times a week.
At the end of the day, you want to have your lasagna to come home to no matter how many slices of pizza you had during college. By following the break-up guidelines below, you can have your lasagna (and pizza, burgers, wings, cheesesteaks, etc.) and eat it too.
Be Honest, But Lie a Little
You could make up an excuse about how you need time for yourself and want to be single for a while in order to do some deep meditation and self-realization, but she will know its bullshit. Facebook had destroyed everything and that first picture of you blacked out with your hand on some sorority slut’s ass will indicate that you aren’t using your single time for self reflection. While being honest is the way to go, you also can’t be 100% transparent. For example saying something like, “I want to break up with you so I can bang anything and everything with a pulse” will not work to your advantage. Instead, sit her down and say that you have a great time with her and hope that things work out in the future but for now you think its better to live your own lives rather than to battle the constant temptation and try to maintain a long distance relationship. She will probably be more understanding if you say that you don’t trust yourself not to cheat and that you would never want to hurt her like that.
Don’t Self-Depreciate
Some guys put themselves down when they are breaking up with a girl to make themselves seem less desirable. While I understand this strategy, allow me to warn you that it will not work. Women intuitively try and fix men. If you say, “You’re amazing and deserve to be with someone who isn’t so messed up” or “Someday you’ll meet the perfect guy who will love you the way that I couldn’t” all she will hear is, “Help, I like you but I’m messed up and can’t love.” Trust me, it will backfire and you will have a stage five clinger who will try and “fix” you.
Don’t Have One Foot Out the Door (Or Another Appendage Inside Another Person)
It is a lot easier to take the cowardly route, and just disappear from existence. Acting like your single without having the break-up talk will definitely get the message across but it will also make her hate you. If you were hoping to keep her on the backburner for when you’re ready to commit, she will NOT be down. Don’t tell her over a brief phone call that its over and don’t break-up with her after already moving on and getting it in with other people. This strategy will only cement your reputation as “The Asshole.”
Don’t Hit It and Quit It
Tap it and scrap it, toot it and boot it, hump it and dump it, whatever you call it don’t do it. Break-up sex can be great when its consensual but breaking up with her after sex will not only destroy her self-esteem but may bring out the bat shit crazy bitch in your ex.
Cut Communication to a Minimum
If you’re totally 100% done with the relationship, you should cut off all communication entirely. Answer her only for emergency situations but for the most part you have to shut it down. I know this seems like you’re being an asshole by not responding but it will help her get over it if the communication is cut. If you want to go wild in school but eventually get back together with her, keep the door slightly open. Don’t allow conversations to happen daily or even weekly but texting or calling her for her birthday and remaining friends via your social media platforms is smart.
To be completely honest with you, I have a lot of friends who have been dating since high school and now in their mid-twenties they are having quarter life crises about all the experiences they missed out on. Many of them have broken up to give single life a chance but it still won’t make up for the lost college years. If you and your girl are meant to be together again one day you will be, but going off to college and cheating on her would be detrimental. It’s better to be single and go wild now then to do it and then have to answer to her about it later. Lastly, wear condoms or get tested while you’re doing your frat boy thing. After graduation, your girlfriend is not going to want you back if you have chlamydia.
Best of luck in he new school year!
Xo,
McKenzie
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