College
by Jared Freid on March 28, 2013

Busy Guy
“I've been so busy,” is the rallying cry of about 25% of all post-collegiate A-holes. Ask them how they're doing, what they've been up to, or what they think about targeting the remaining polar bears on Earth for execution and they'll respond with the same pronouncement of tireless commitment to whatever the crap they do. Notice their lack of children, their growing bellies, their copywriting job in advertising, their shirt stains. Busy doing what? Busy making themselves feel better about the life they never imagined they'd end up in. Busy trying to create a sense that they have more going on than anyone else at this party. The only way “busy” would ever be an acceptable answer to any question is if the word “gettin'” is in front of it, as in, “I've been gettin' busy with so many babes.” And at that point, it's not “busy”, it's “BIZZAY”. So change your G-Chat status back to green because if you have the time to change it to red, then you generally have the time.

Law School Guy
Cousin of “The Busy Guy” except in this case there’s an actual excuse that isn’t AS vague. He responds to, “What are you up to this weekend?” with, “Probably studying, Law School is my life” (while shrugging and rolling their eyes). My issue here is that implied in my question is not “what work are you doing this weekend?” but rather, “What fun things are you doing this weekend?” If your weekend doesn't involve a haunted carnival ride or teaching a robot how to love, I probably don't want to know about it. It would all be OK if he didn't tell everyone within earshot about the hours of reading, a modern form of peacocking where he’s trying to not-so-subtly let any woman know that each page read gets him closer to being rich enough to sponsor a youth hockey team like Mr Ducksworth. Little do they know that most women (and men) would be more impressed if he lifted a large rock over their head and screamed.
There will be no mention of why he went to law school. Or, why taking a test and getting an A is a lot better than going to work and having no clue where you stand week to week. Or, that going to school for more years without any work experience just felt like getting back into a nicely made bed where the future can still be dreamt about. No, he will just say, “Law School,” shrug his shoulders, and probably not use his law degree.

Dream Guy
On the opposite side of the spectrum from “Busy Guy” or “Law School Guy”, but possibly worse. This guy makes no bones about his hatred of his current employment. It's almost admirable, except there's a distinct undertone of “I'm going to make it, it's just a matter of time until someone realizes I'm a genius.” There's a frustrating denial here in which he believes he isn’t like everyone else, that he’s a unique snowflake, ready to be found. He tweets too much, he’s always posting on Facebook, and he’s always pitching you on his terrible blog or app ideas. He quotes Kerouac (something about fireworks) and forgets he died young from alcoholism. He thinks inspiration and creativity are magically placed in his head by a fairy god, rather than recognizing the truth: those things aren't the result of a moment, but of hard work over time. He’s afraid to commit to anything because one of the possible outcomes of commitment is failure. And, if he’s busy telling you about his big idea, rather than holed up somewhere working, then failure is a certainty.
On the other hand, he’s always good for weed.

Married Guy
“Just took out a home equity loan…3%, man…Great deal,” is something you might hear from this party-killer. He got married at 22 and always wants to know a little TOO much about the one night stand you had last night. When he drinks, he crosses just a shade over into scary territory, muttering to himself or dancing really hard. You can be sure of his plan this weekend: “movie night” and maybe a dinner out, in addition to the secret weird pornography he doesn't tell his wife about. And the only sounds you'll hear echoing through his house is the piercing metallic clangs of silverware on plates, as he and his wife both silently wonder if they got married too young, and if they'll ever be happy again. “Thank God for Duck Dynasty,” they'll think to themselves. But don't worry, they're trying to have kids, so that’ll fix everything.

“Life was easier when I could suck my way out of every problem.”

Depressed Girl
This girl hasn’t met her future “Married Guy” and you’re going to know about it. Not only is she not getting married but she’s also not getting texted back, she’s not a “fan of the scene,” she can’t figure out if sex on first dates are bad things, she will call herself “grandma” even though she’s 23, she’s thinking about getting a dog, she already has a cat, she hates wedding pictures on Facebook, she hates set-ups but can’t stand that nobody is setting her up, and she will tell you all of these things at a party and then laugh afterwards so you can feel as awkward as she does sad.

Overdoing the Party Guy
No one is having as much fun as this guy. When he gets off work on Thursday, that's when his real job begins – trying to have the greatest weekend of his life. He's constantly at happy hours, concerts, and children's birthday parties, and he deals with his crippling hangovers by getting drunk immediately at brunch. It's all because he's having “the best time,” and he'll never let you forget it and why aren't you having as much fun as him? It's all a bit much. Hanging out with this guy can be alternately fun and exhausting, but what you don't see is the terrifying existential thoughts that haunt him the rest of the week, the fear of death and age, and his complete inability to get his shit together. “When does the party end?” he'll say to himself as he cries and puts an unloaded pistol in his mouth and pulls the trigger over and over again.

Sidenote: “Overdoing the Party” guy and “Married Guy” usually don't like each other, mostly because they want to be each other.

Bad Email Chain Guy
You ever meet a conversation stopper? This guy is worse because his joke nobody got, and GIF that was too sexual for work, and his horrible suggestion for a happy hour just took the one piece of entertainment that was distracting you from the closing walls of your cubicle.

CFA Guy
The Chartered Financial Analyst certification is a three level exam designed to show competence in finance.  Think about that. A FINANCE GUY is going to TAKE A TEST to prove HOW MUCH THEY KNOW. This is the perfect storm of douche. The first level can only be taken twice a year and the other two give you only one shot a year. So as the dates get closer, this dude shows up less but talks about this test more. Did you know the CFA is “totally the same thing as an MBA?” Or that professionals with CFA’s make a “shit-ton” of money? Or the CFA is cheaper than an MBA but “money means nothing?” Did you know that to pass the CFA you need to start every sentence in the month leading up to each exam with “I’ve been studying for the CFA so I basically have no life but…?” By test time their attitude is “Finance Douche” ready to take on the world and have all of their “closing coffee” spit in.

Stand-up Comedian/Column Writer
Ugh, THE WORST. He’s going to invite you to his shows and ask you to post his links on Facebook and follow him on Twitter and you should do all of those things so he can tell everyone at the party that “things have been really busy.”

Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian who you can see on MTV’s Failosophy on Thursdays at 10:30pm. Follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more shows the married guy likes. You can also subscribe to his Facebook page here.

[Young CPA and depressed girl images via ShutterStock]