What if your resume accurately represented your life? Horrifying, right? Humor writer Andrew Weiser sent us this, the "Honest College Grad Resume," which will probably keep you from even a Waffle House internship. Follow Andrew on Twitter.
Phone (my parents’ house) • E-mail (I have multiple that I never check)
I lie about being goal-oriented. I have been awarded this diploma and have no idea what to do with it. I have marginal talents and a nonexistent work-ethic. Please hire me.
- B.A. in Alcoholism, School of Procrastination and Deferred Development, Interchangeable University
- Relevant Coursework Includes: nothing practical to any sort of professional environment.
GIVING UP ON MY DREAMS
- Had Previously Desired a High-Level, Enjoyable Career
- Not Anymore
- Realized it would either be not financially worth the investment, or statistically impossible
- Now I will do anything that anybody feels I am qualified for so I can eat and live in a place.
BORN CUBICLE MONKEY
- “Indoor Kid”
- I was always satisfied being inactive, watching TV and playing video games in the air conditioning.
- Crippling Depression
- Insatiable Anxiety
- Low Self-Esteem
- Problematic Insomnia
- Prescription Drug Abuse
- Works Well in a Team
TOOLS AND SKILLS
- Power Point
- Mix of the Two
- MS Word
SOCIAL MEDIA SKILLS
- Facebook Bikini Pics
- Dumb Jokes on Twitter
- Using Social Media To Procrastinate
- JOB THAT DOESN’T MATTER
- Easy money
- Lied to the parents about taking the kid to the ER once.
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