Harvard grads... they're just like us! Only with better out-of-college job prospects, salaries, and general life outcomes. But other than that, we breathe the same fucking air as them, so what if most of us just do so far less impressively?
The Harvard Crimson recently conducted a survey of the 2013 graduating class and asked them about myriad of Harvard-related things (i.e. if they ever cheated in class, where they'll live post-college, what kind of salary they'll be earning, and sex, drugs, and other unholy acts they committed while attending the school). For the sake of this post, we'll spare you the depressing stuff that highlights why going to Harvard, if you should be so lucky to get in, is a good idea and just focus on the grit. Because when it all comes down to it, no matter how smart any of us are we're all just animals who want to fuck each other and piss on statues. Or, at least that is what this survey taught me.
• Men like it so much that 52 percent of them watch it online at least once a week. 14 percent of male students have never watched porn at all. But among women, just 6 percent watch porn as frequently as the majority of the men, and 63 percent have never watched any.
On Drinking and Drugs:
• Nearly a quarter of the class said they drink more than twice a week.
• 9 percent never drink, and 7 percent drink less than once a month.
• Among students who drink, 60 percent started before they came to Harvard (though 10 percent waited until they graduated from high school).
• At Harvard, most started right away, but 9 percent waited until they turned 21.
• 38 percent of students have tried marijuana, and 3 percent use it more than twice a week. Of marijuana users, 44 percent started at Harvard; the rest started before college.
• Almost a quarter of the class uses tobacco at least occasionally, with about 40 percent of users having started at college.
• 16 percent of the class has tried at least one of cocaine, ecstasy, mushrooms, LSD, and other illicit substances. Very large majorities of those who have used these drugs first tried them after starting college.
• 9 percent of the class has used drugs like Adderall and Ritalin, which are prescribed for attention deficit disorders but often abused by students who hope the pills will help them focus on their studies.
• 72 percent enroll at Harvard as virgins and 27 percent graduate without having sex. Of those who do have sex at Harvard, most have just one partner during their four years, but 7 percent of students have 10 or more sexual partners in college.
• The daring do it in the library—13 percent of the class, it turns out. Sex in Widener is the least commonly achieved of the “big three” tasks known to Harvard students: 23 percent have urinated on John Harvard’s shiny foot, and 32 percent have run Primal Scream. Just a few hardy folks—4 percent of the class—accomplished all three.
So much there to process. Fourteen-percent of guys have never watched porn? Either those dudes get more ass than they know what to do with or we've got a few future genius psychopaths on our hands. Got to get out that nut, fellas; for a millionth of a second it'll make you feel like a million bucks.
Oh, and if you happen to be one of the 4% who completed the "big three," congrats on all your success and email me at Jason@brobible.com.
[H/T The Crimson]