Who wouldn’t want to be a bro on spring break?
Sure, you won’t end up remembering much from this week-long tear, where all rules are abandoned and replaced with large doses of depravity, but there are constants that help guarantee you’ll have the time of your life: the setting (warm and tropical), the daily agenda (booze, booze and more booze), and the freedom (all school-related responsibility suspended and forgotten about miles and miles away).
If we’re being completely honest though, there’s nothing more reassuring to bros heading south for spring break than the chance to party with hundreds of bikini-clad females and the opportunity to fuck any of them over the next seven-day stretch.
The goal should be one a day, if you you’re on A-game. Chances are you won’t be though, and it’s ok. You’re on vacation; don’t beat yourself up about it.
As long as you’ve planned correctly, then you should be in the Mecca of bro life, surrounded by equally reckless girls wearing next-to-nothing who are looking to have as much fun as possible before returning to their mundane life at home.
I doubt your prospects will ever look this good, so take advantage of a situation that all older bros – myself included – are envious of. It’s not every week you’re handed fine pussy on a golden platter.
However, times have changed and it’s important bros everywhere be warned about things to avoid, like a STD or a statutory rape charges.
For your protection, here’s a guideline for the 10 types chicks you’re going to meet, or at least spend 30 minutes gawking at, and how you should proceed:
I promised myself I wouldn’t go on an explanatory tangent, but here I go breaking that promise on the first category. Urban Dictionary defines a ‘badonkadonk’ as “an ebonic expression for an extremely curvaceous female behind.” Or, if you want to be crude about it: a once-in-a-lifetime, can’t-miss-it-no-matter-what ass.
You’ll see at least one wherever you decide to go on spring break and chances are you’ll end up staring long and hard. There’s even a not-so-outside chance you take a picture and Instagram it. And you know what? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Hopefully you didn’t pack your moral compass and I sure as shit pray to god that you’ve forgotten what good behavior looks like because there’s no place for it on a Mexican beach. Go ahead, snap and stare away.
What you should do: Play this one like you have nothing to lose, because you really don’t – it’s a long shot special and if you hit it, you’ll be the talk of the resort. I don’t think you can get charged with anything for slapping some ass, so go ahead and cop a feel. Your friends will be jealous they weren’t as aggressive.
2. DTF Anywhere
She doesn’t care what you look like, how many hours you’ve spent at the gym or if you have a condom. In short, she’s every bros drunken dream come true. You put in absolutely no effort and get absolutely all the reward. When else in your lifetime will sex come this easy? Never. That’s the short and long answer.
Sure, she won’t be anything to write home about, but seriously, you’re not going to remember much from the week anyways so why try and even act like you have standards. If she doesn’t, you shouldn’t.
What you should do: As long as she’s above a 6 at the time of penetration (drunk goggles are your ally here bros), then there’s nothing to hang your head on. You’ll walk away with a wild story that begins with “Let me tell you about the time I had sex in the bathroom at Senor Frogs.” If only every bro could be so lucky.
Yes, this type has followed you from Brooklyn to Berkley all the way to the Bahamas – she’s everywhere.
She’s a distant relative of the girl whose idea of fun is flirting with you and making you buy her booze all night, because, you know, she’ll actually perform some sexual favors. But she won’t fuck you so you could be going down the rabbit hole and not even know it. Hard to avoid and even harder to detect, this one is the type that probably wouldn’t even be that fun to fuck, but you can’t possibly know that so you chase the tail and waste a lot of your time that could have been spent pursuing much easier chicks.
What you should do: There’s no actual way to tell if the chick won’t fuck you unless she openly says so before you bring her back to your room, in which case you’re either desperate for a half-decent blow job or so drunk can’t understand English. Either way, if she wants to do everything but sex, I say let her. A BJ is a lot better than no BJ.
With that said, what type of broad goes on spring break and doesn’t want to have sex? She might be a psycho, watch out. Don’t get too aggressive with this one— she could possibly threaten you with the “R” word and ruin your week
4. Aggressive double-teamer
She’s a party animal and you know it the minute you lay eyes on her. She’s definitely not one you’d bring home to mom, but she’s said the only words that matter on this trip: “I’ll fuck you and your friend.” Don’t hesitate. The next time you hear those words you’ll be out a couple of hundreds of dollars and you’ll be looking at a chick that goes by the name of Porsche or Candi.
This freak of nature isn’t a stripper — yet. She’s just some innocent college chick who would never do something like this if she weren’t on a tropical island in the middle of nowhere.
What you should do: Looks do matter on this one and, I hate to admit it, so does the possibility she might have one of those aforementioned STDs. I say proceed with caution on this one if you get the feeling she might actually be a tramp and not an undergraduate. There are plenty of other chicks out there that will be safer plays on this trip.
If you’re going to do it — and I’ll be the first one to congratulate you and your fellow bro if you do, then at least wrap it up with a condom. You never know.
5. Backdoor only
This is the chick that will claim it’s her time of the month, or even play the boyfriend card, to make you stop, but ultimately elects to degrade herself by letting you sticking it in her ass at the end of the night. Similar to pretty much every chick on this list, this kind of situation won’t happen very often in your life so you mine as well seize it. With that said, she could be wasting your time and actually be the faithful girl in disguise. For your sake, I hope she isn’t and that you get to enjoy some condom-free, worry-free anal sex.
What you should do: Do I even need to say it again? Go all in and anal her.
6. Southern Belle
I’m a big-time Yankee so whenever I hear that southern accent it ignites something wild and uncontrolled in me. I’m probably biased here, but this will be the best fuck you have the entire week if you’re able to lasso her in. Compared to other chicks on the scene — the cougar, the awkwardly tall chick, the out-of-place-yet-very-horny Asian — who are a lot easier fucks, this southern dime will be a challenge. That’s OK because you’ve got a couple of factors playing in your favor — chiefly, she’s not going anywhere. You’re both stuck at the same resort for the next couple of days. The fact that neither of you are wearing a shirt doesn’t hurt your chances either.
What you should do: You should be prepared to put in a little work for what will be a massive reward. If you’re going to foolishly over-pursue a chick during spring break, make sure she goes to Georgia or Auburn, or SMU or UNC.
7. Sorority Conformist
Yep, similar to the everything-but-sex chick, this one has followed you on your vacation. I know, she’s a nightmare to talk to but the sex should be above average, if not high quality, and because she’s taking her social cues from a bunch of sluts, she should have no problem going back to your room and riding your dick off in the early-to-mid afternoon. I can’t stress this enough: this is the type you can pursue at any point of the day because she’s definitely looking to get laid and is most certainly wasted.
What you should do: I feel like I gave this one away already, but in case you have trouble reading I’ll spell it out for you with a mathematic equation: drunken sorority bimbo + beach resort = easy afternoon sex.
8. Bar-top Dancer
Sometimes, timing is everything. If you get to the resort bar and there’s a drunken girl dancing on top of it, then this might be your easiest, most effortless play of the week.
What you should do: Wait until she steps down and buy her a drink immediately. Chances are she’s already inebriated and she’ll chug anything you put in front of her. If her friends have let her get up on the bar, then they probably won’t object her leaving to go fuck you in the pool closet.
I mentioned the misplaced Asian earlier. If that’s your thing, then go full steam ahead and don’t look back. There’s a low possibility of a STD because you’re probably one of three or four sexual partners she’s ever had. Personally, I’m a European man — love the Brits, the Italians and anything from Scandinavia. If any of these types are at you’re hotel, then you’ve really hit the jackpot.
What you should do: Approach to see if she speak your language and if she doesn’t, then you’re actually at an advantage because you can’t fuck this one up with drunken dialect that would chase away eight out of 10 American girls. Like all the other girls on spring break, you won’t see her again so go ahead and do something that may impress her or at least make her laugh. Humor is a universal language, and you’re best bet of getting in some Swedish chicks pants.
10. Too Wasted to Walk
I swore I had covered this one, but the really drunk chick that can’t walk is actually one of the worst plays you can make of the week. She may pass out before or during sex, but most important, her friends may threaten you with the “R” after you’ve done the need.
What you should do: Avoid at all costs. There’s no way that this ditz is worth the agony that may follow after you’ve fucked her. There’s plenty of fish in the sea that are standing. Go approach one of them.
[J.Camm’s Note: I’ll go ahead and add four more to Steve’s list. Just for shits. But not for giggles. Never for giggles.]
11. The Cougar
When she booked this “relaxing getaway” to Cancun (or other blatant Spring Break destination) she did it knowing full well it would be during a college week. Only in her late 30s, this cougar looks like she has been through life’s ringer because her substance abuse and chain smoking lifestyle have aged her far less gracefully than most.
What you should do: Look past the nicotine lines, varicose veins, and crocodile skin, because she’ll be the easiest lay you find all week.
12. Overweight Cock Block
Thanks to her sluggish thyroid she’ll never get laid and now because of her, you won’t either. Her mission is clear: protect her “girlies” from scumbags like you. Her one weakness, however, is all-inclusive hotels. Over the years she has developed gills for breathing so she can take full advantage of buffet-style eating. If you really want to score with one of her friends it’s imperative that you make your move while the tank is refueling. Note: The cock block is a chameleon and comes in numerous forms, but none irk a man’s game more than the fat ones or the highly religious.
What you should do: Heave a ham at her and hope it occupies her long enough to seal the deal with her friend. Alternate idea: Kill her with kindness and hope she let’s her block down. If not, revert to the ham.
She probably goes to school in the Midwest. She is very personable so you’ll meet her at the pool early on in your day. She’ll seem hot at first, especially from a safe distance. When she finally comes into focus, however, her questionable hygiene and light mustache become more apparent. The good news is that she is the girl who so desperately wants to be one of the guys that she does everything in her power to help you get laid. She’ll even make “friends” with other sets of chicks, and then offer a warm introduction as you and your bros slide right in for the kill.
What you should do: Avoid sleeping with her and let her play wingman. But sleep with her on the last night if all else fails. Can’t go home without at least one STD scare.
14. The One
Her looks top out at a 9, but her aura lifts her well past a 10. She is hot, yes, but what makes her so desirable is her uncanny ability to hang with the boys. She is incredibly chill and she has no qualms about drinking whatever you put in front of her. Beer, liquor, embalming fluid: she chugs them like a lady and a fiend. Like you, she realizes what Spring Break is and she knows that all her whorish acts will be absolved once she returns to her boyfriend at the University of Tennessee. That is why she’ll fuck you on the beach while drunken passersby stare in awe as your hairy ass pumps like a piston.
What you should do: If you find The One, cherish her, for she is an angel.
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