College
by Isaac Himmelman on April 10, 2013

1. The Smokeshow
Just as every dog manages to snatch half a foot-long meatball sub off a table at least once in its life and have its day, every bro manages to hook up with a girl way out of his league at least once in his life and have his night (not trying to compare girls to meatballs subs here because there are huge difference between those things.) Anyway, say, you’re in the basement of your boy Anthony’s house. You’re having a good time. Music is bumping. People are dancing (or “dancing” because let’s be real, all that really entails these days is chicks grinding up against dudes, and how that’s considered dancing you’ll never quite understand.) But anyway, you’re kinda moving around thinking important thoughts like, “Man, I should really be a DJ!” And then, at the exact moment the beat cut out and everyone in the basement pauses in sweaty anticipation of the impending bass drop, you lock eyes with a straight-up smokeshow. She’s eyeing you, and you’re eyeing her. And you’re thinking, “Man, this chick must be pretty hammered to be giving me the time of day.” And you’re right, because, let’s be honest, she’s a ten and you’re a strong six (seven on a great night.) But you’re young, and this is youth. So you dance for a bit, and that’s pretty chill for you because all you have to do is stand there and make sure not to spill your beer. And then you say something like, “Hey, I heard there’s a party at my dorm.” And to be sure, there is no party at your dorm, nor has there ever been, and for a second you start to doubt whether that was the best line you could muster (it wasn’t), but hey, this is your lucky night because she’s down for whatever. So you get back to your dorm, and not only is there no party, but all the lights are off and you’re roommate’s asleep and tucked into bed. Do you wake him up and send him into the hallway for a half hour? Nah. You just keep the noise down to the bare minimum (or not, fuck it.) The next day your roommate wakes up to see you in bed nuzzled up to this smokeshow like a sleepy puppy, so he’s off to the dinning hall to spread word to your boys like you’re some kind of conquering hero from medieval times (and all things considered, you kind of are.) Meanwhile, said smokeshow wakes up and sees you, and thinks, “WTF! This dude looks like a sleepy puppy.” And she’s right. But hey, it’s college and in time this will have been a growing experience for the both of you.

2. The Friend
When people ask, you tell them you guys are just friends. And that’s fine because you are just friends. But let’s be real, you have friends (say, your boy Anthony) that you don’t picture yourself hooking up with because that’d be fucking weird and then you have friends, like this chick friend, where that option always seems to be on the table. That’s cool. You’re in college. Most things are fair game here (Why that is? I couldn’t tell ya.) But there will come a night when you two will be out partying together, drinking, maybe dancing (“dancing”), and you’ll both be drunk because in college all the important things happen when you’re drunk. And then you two will start making out, and, just like the brave sea-turtle that instinctually finds it’s way back to the beach on which it was hatched years ago, so too, drunk you will find your way back to the bed on which you awoke that morning, only this time you will arrive at your bed stumbling with your good friend safely in tow and soon the egg laying will commence. Now the morning after here is crucial. Will things be weird between you two? Maybe. But they don’t have to be. The move here would be to go for the high-five the moment you both wake up, then get dressed and take her out for a hearty breakfast. That’s what they call “The Veteran Move.”

3. The Heartbreaker
Guys go to college thinking they’re going to just hound around no-strings-attached for four years the way rappers do. Here’s the truth: While yes, the four years you spend partying in college will be the closest you ever come to having a life that resembles anything close to say, Drake’s life; you will also get your heart broken once in a while (which is still consistent with the Drake metaphor because if you listen to one of his albums, dude gets his heart broken at least once a week.) So yes, there is going to be a chick in college that you end up falling for. And yes, you’re going to get all your roommates to evacuate the house one night so you can play moody electronic music, light a few candles, and show her how you learned to cook paella on your semester abroad (which by the way, is the only thing you learned on your semester abroad.) But just as you start saying stuff to your boys like, “I don’t know dude, this could be the one”, she’s going to start saying stuff to you like, “I have a lot going on,” or “maybe we should just be friends,” or “I’m not over my ex-boyfriends yet,” or whatever. None of these reasons really matter because all she’s doing is rejecting you. Now what does matter is not getting too hung up on the rejection when it happens. Girl you really like rejects you? Here’s what you don’t do: You don’t learn her favorite Dave Matthews song on a fucking uke and show up to her house to croon it for her on a bed of tulips. That crooner shit never works. Just suck it up, keep trucking, and know it wasn’t the paella she rejected, because your paella es muy delicioso.

4. Your Boy’s Ex-Girl 
The protocol here is murky. On one hand, when it comes to your friends, you are fiercely loyal. On the other hand, it was your fierce loyalty that prevented you from hooking up with your friend’s girl back when they were together even though she was totally down and feeling you. So what happens now that your friend’s girl is no longer your friend’s girl, and once again, she’s totally down and feeling you? Like I said, murky protocol. All I know is that this stuff happens all the time, and if you were to make a move on a girl your friend used to hook up with, well, you wouldn’t be the first dude to tread deep in those waters. As big as your school is, colleges (even the big state ones) are small ponds (murky ones too, ayo!) Sure there are a lot of fish even in the smaller murkier ponds, but there still aren’t as many fish as you’d think. Also, as you move forward in your collegiate career, your friend group grows smaller and more compact, until soon it feels like you guys are the cast of Friends and everyone’s hooking up with everyone. So just assess the situation and act accordingly (that’s actually a good rule for everything.)

5.  The Chick Who’s Less Then Cute
Most nights you don’t have this problem because clearly you are a dead-ringer for Ben Affleck. But even Ben Affleck wound up hooking up with some chicks who were less then cute. Also, you’re probably not a dead-ringer for Ben Affleck. But that’s nothing to be ashamed. Not every dude is Ben Affleck and not every chick is a young J-Lo (I know, Ben Affleck isn’t with J-Lo anymore, but I can’t remember his new chick’s name.) Anyway, back to the point: In college you will hook up with chicks that are less then cute and that’s fine. Most likely this will happen on particularly wild nights. If I were a betting man, I’d say Halloween because if most things are fair game in college (as we established in #2), everything is fair game in college on Halloween. That’s because Halloween was, in olden times, a night of pagan hedonism where everyone would get drunk and wild and blood thirsty, and hunt bores and Jews and large birds and other things to. So, if on Halloween you end up hooking up with a girl that is less then cute, that’s fine. In fact, you are being downright chaste compared to your pagan ancestors, so you can take solace in that.

Alright, that’s it. Be safe. Be respectful to women. Have fun. Go hard.

About Isaac Himmelman...