College
by Megan Goetz on April 23, 2014

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As the poetic masterminds the Baha Men once said, “A doggy is nothing if he don’t have a bone.” So what’s the quickest way to get to a bone, brodogs? Hate to say it, but it’s through dancing. Duh. Didn’t Wayne Gretzky say something like you miss all the shots you don’t take? Well, I’m pretty sure he ended that quote with now take that shot of Captain you pansy and lets hit the dance floor. Wayne Gretzky was a sexual panther on the dance floor. Hockey was his second passion. Trust me, he told me personally. (Ok, maybe he didn’t tell me personally.) Anyway, you can tell a lot about a girl through the way she dances, and I can guarantee you can tell how far she’s willing to go just through the way she moves. Here’s some approaches experienced that make the difference between being that guy she brags about sleeping with to her friends the next day or being that guy her friends make fun of her for.

The Approach

Ok, guys first things first; the most unattractive way to approach a girl is from behind. Jesus, man. Let me see your face, what is this? Prison? If you approach me from behind the only dancing I’m going to be doing at first is leaning down a little bit so my friends facing you can confirm you’re at least in my range of hotness. I get that approaching a girl is scary, but if you can’t even show me your face how are you going to have the guts to kiss me?

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Now this might get some criticism because all girls are different, but for me I appreciate a guy that approaches me from the front and asks to dance. I like the idea that I might have had a choice in the matter, and that you know what the front of me looks like too. Feel this situation out a little bit. If she’s all up on you then put you’re hands on her waist. If she seems a little less confident, put your hands near hers and see if she holds onto them. Maybe this part seems boring or weak to you, but this is the build up. Girls ALWAYS need build up; the quicker you get that the quicker you’ll get that bone, my friend. If you just jump in there, sucking her into your groin area like a drunken black hole, she is going to bail. Quick.

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The Moves

I’m going to start with the don’ts here, because why end on negativity? Let’s start with it! Some of the things you should steer clear from are (and maybe you don’t do this, but if you know a bro that does help him out):

1. Quit trying to grab my boobs, butt, and, ahem, other parts while we’re dancing. You can move your hands up and down, but I just met you and we’ve never even kissed. What happens to a runner who skips first and second and goes straight to third in baseball? That dude is straight up out, and so are you if you try the same shit man.

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2. IF you stop moving, I stop moving. I swear to God this is the most annoying thing ever. What the hell are you doing back there? Taking pictures? This isn’t a goddamn strip club, and I’m pretty sure you’re not paying me to undulate on you while you stand there lifeless. It’s bad enough that I let you lean up against the wall sometimes, at least pretend that you’re dancing.

3. Please don’t hump me. Self-explanatory. If you hump me, I’m out. Build up remember? That’s for later dude.

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4. Don’t make me get super ridiculously low. Now I am a HUGE fan of dropping it low, but when I’m in heels and you have me bouncing my butt off the floor I’m just getting excited to finally lay down in my bed alone, rather than thinking about how I’m going to get you excited in my bed.

5. Don’t separate me from my friends like some strategic military move where you slowly drift me away. I’m on to you Mr, and not the way you want me to be if you keep these shenanigans up. We girls have homing beacons for each other so you’re not gonna just separate us forever. We’re like pigeons or something.

Ok now that we’ve covered the essential Don’ts, let’s get to the fun part: What you should do. Bow Chicka Wow wow!

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The first one isn’t so much a move, but a pre-dancing preparation. Smell good, dudes. There is nothing hotter than a dude who smells great; it’s like a women’s natural instinct to be turned on by this. It says you care, you’re probably clean, and it seriously just makes us want to be as close as possible. Ugh, there’s nothing better than a hot dude who smells delicious.

Actually have fun because dancing isn’t serious. Spin me like once and see if I love it. Most girls will definitely love it. When you tease us by dancing close then spinning us around, it makes us think you’re not just in it for the sex. We genuinely have fun with a guy who can spin us and sing a long to some doofy song. You do not look stupid when we can tell you’re joking around, you look damn adorable. It’s like catnip for chicks, I swear.

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Follow my lead. Towards the end of the night things might get a little serious, you’ve bullshitted with the build up and now you’ve totally earned the sluttiness that is about to ensue. It’s all about the long-game, gentlemen. Don’t over think this part, you’re doing fine. Girls do most of the moving when grinding anyway so follow my lead. If things are going well, which they will be, get that first kiss out of the way now.

And that is literally it, brodogs! After that last step, the lights come on and you ask her if she wants to play you in beer pong back at your place or literally any other excuse to get her back there like “hey come see my awesome glow stars in the shape of a penis on my ceiling!” or the simple yet effective “Wanna go back to my place?” I swear if you follow these instructions you’ll get laid like 45.67% more times than you have been. (Not actually tested, not liable for results). But seriously, this stuff will work with most girls. So quit being boners and start getting boned, my friends. The rest is up to you.

Megan Goetz is a Penn State student and an aspiring stand-up comedian. Follow her on Twitter here… 

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